Thursday, July 11, 2013

Other People's Kids? Booooo!

Pat I’m guessing you like yours, right? I like mine too. And I would go so far as to say that most people probably like their kids. But what about other people’s kids? Those I’m not sure about.

My little angels of sunshine hardly ever do anything wrong or bad. And if they do I assume it’s because they learned it from some other hellion kid that is not one of my kids. My kids are good learners by the way*.

So Pat, how do you feel about other people’s kids?

Pat:  Funny thing...when you said “...you like yours, right?” I wasn’t exactly thinking about kids right off the bat. I was thinking about...something else. (and, YES, I do like mine!)

Sorry.

Umm...is this a trick? ‘Cause, technically, your kids are “other people’s kids”, so I kinda’ feel like I’m being set up here. Clarification, please.

Christian: No no. My kid’s are my kids. Not other people’s kids. God, that would be horrible if my kids were like other people’s kids. No, no, definitely not other people’s kids.

Other people’s kids.

Clear now?

Pat:  Nope. Still not falling for it. Please clarify: if I refer to other peoples’ kids--say I claim to hate and absolutely despise them--do your kids fall into that group? Because from my vantage point, even though I know and, I guess, LIKE you...will it be construed that your kids drive me nuts? Hypothetically, that is. If so...then I refuse to answer. If not, then yes.

Christian: I can’t believe that you are even suggesting that my kids might be like other people’s kids. Have you ever spent any time with other people’s kids? They are a mess. My kids are like well domesticated politeness-ponies and if they ever misbehave it’s because some bad seeds got into the stable and corrupted them... So no, my kids are not included amongst other people’s kids.

Now please proceed with your answer.

Pat:  Sorry. I still feel like this is a set-up. Trying to trust my gut better these days. And right now my gut says, “Don’t answer!”. It’s also saying “Chile relleno burrito!” but that’s the part of my gut I’m still trying to resist.

I love other people’s kids. Actually, I love all kids. Even the ones who never stop smelling bad. Especially those ones.

And the ones who mess up my house when their parents stop by for a quick 5 minute surprise visit. Those ones are so darn cute! Case closed?

Christian: But how do you feel about other people’s kids’ influence on your kids? It seems like other people’s kids are everywhere nowadays so inevitably my kids are at risk of being influenced by them. Since your kids are older than mine have they been influenced? Are they complete disasters now?

Pat: Oh, that’s easy. I didn’t know that’s what you were getting at.

I don’t let other kids anywhere near my kids. Not even in the same room, for fear of contamination. My kids have heard of other children, but only as characters in fictional stories. Not like they really exist. TV has been WONDERFUL for that. We just tell them that those “other kids” are like the ones on TV, and not real.

Christian: What about the cast of The Real World? Do your kids think they are real or not real? Either way I wouldn’t want those dipshits anywhere near my kids. I guarantee you all of them were other people’s kids at some point.

Pat:  Is that show still on? Has Puck lightened up at all? He was a dick. I don’t let my kids watch TV shows with dicks in them. (<-- just realized that sentence can be read two ways, and I want to assure our readers that it is true in both readings)

Christian: Oh, I’m sure Puck is still on it. He was the only thing that made it interesting. And if MTV is about anything, it’s about keeping to its roots and not changing.

But you are right about him being a dick (and keeping your children away from dicks). I bet you anything he’s someone else’s kid, which totally proves my point. Who want’s their kids hanging out and playing with dicks? Not me.

Other people’s kids are no good. I’m going to follow your lead Pat and from now on I’m just going to tell my kids that other people’s kids are just characters on TV like the Skipper and Gilligan. They don’t really exist and should be feared.

We’re really kicking the ass out of this parenting thing.


* This paragraph was taken from a comment I left over at MOV’s blog mothersofbrothersblog and she suggested we turn it into a post. So you have her to thank or blame depending on your opinion of this post.

46 comments:

  1. I take it your kids are not teenagers yet? Not only will they become dicks but they'll start playing with 'em.

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    1. No they are not teens yet. And LA LA LA LA LA!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

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    2. I thought I made it VERY clear that I don't let my children anywhere near dicks.

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  2. Domesticated Politeness Ponies is my favorite cartoon. I'm definitely a Domesticated Politeness Bronie. OPK, on the other hand, is my least favorite Naughty By Nature song. Other people's kids aren't bad, it's just the overly-spoiled OPK or the abused OPK who spoil the rest of the batch.
    There's so much talk of the children on this blog today that it's like a political press conference (accidental double-entendres included), all you're missing is talk about jobs.

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    1. You're right! We should be putting other people's kids to work!

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  3. Kids: Naughty by Nature? Or Naughty by NURTURE?

    Hmmm?

    Hmmmmmmmm?

    Pearl

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    1. My kids fall under one of them but I'm still trying to figure out which one makes me look the best.

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    2. Kids: Other Peoples' Problems? Hmmm? I'm down with that!

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  4. I don't have children, so that leaves me free to hate them all in equal measure. Right?

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    1. Definitely. But coming from a parent you should know that some deserve to be hated more than others. So be sure to hate proportionally.

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    2. Wait, so my reverse logic, you're saying that if we have children then there's some reason to suggest we SHOULDN'T hate them? Uh oh.

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  5. I don't have kids, but I have a dog. Well, it's my parents dog now, but I go over their house for conjugal visits. I know he'd much rather be living with me. Wait, where was I going with this?

    Oh, I like my dog AND other dogs. I think that equates, right?

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    1. But what if someone else's dog tried to get your dog to set something on fire? Then would you still like other dogs?

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  6. That Real World thing actually makes a pretty good point.

    Next time I think someone else's kid is being a little snot, I can just remember: at least they aren't any given member of the Jersey Shore crew, which we all know would be 10x more obnoxious than even the most obnoxious 8 year old.

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    1. And that would make them 80 years old! Sorry, I saw two number and my math reflexes immediately kicked in.

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  7. Damn kids. They need to get off my lawn.
    Kids these days. I tell ya.
    In my day, these kids would've got a good whippin'.

    Why are there so darn many kids running around on the loose? hmm...

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    1. When I was a kid I had to walk uphill in the snow to be influenced by other kids.

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  8. I have no kids.. And I love all kids.. in measured doses. My love lasts no more than 5 minutes

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    1. Speaking as a parent 5 minutes seems impressively long.

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    2. You've got a good 270 seconds on me, Le Willow Wimp.

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  9. So what is your parenting secret to having perfectly polite children? I have yet to meet any tolerably well-behaved ones, so I assumed they were a myth.

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    1. Oh their not perfectly polite. I had already made the mistake of letting them have friends so for the most part they are perfectly polite, thanks to me and my wife. But as for any of the two dozen times they act up during a day, that's because of other people's children.

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  10. Other peoples' kids are definitely the devils' spawn. They're terrible. You can keep them away physically but they make their appearances electronically. My daughters are perfectly well behaved except for the current unfortunate influences being inflicted upon my youngest by her iPod. I'm pretty sure it's stunting her conversational abilities. She's perfected the "I don't know" and running into me at the grocery store while giggling or alternately fuming. And I'm pretty sure all other parents have forgotten how to discipline because their phones are sucking out their brain waves.

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    1. Interesting. So you're suggesting in addition to not letting my kids have any friends I shouldn't let them have any toys either. Make sense to me. Consider it done.

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  11. I have tried rather unsuccessfully to convince my children that hanging out with other peoples' kids is a lot more fun in theory than reality, but it was a no go.

    Sounds like you have had better luck!

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    1. It's not easy. Anytime my kids complain that their "TV friends" aren't any fun because they can't go outside and play I have to send an extension cord out to the backyard and roll the TV out there.

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  12. As a general rule (generally rude as well possibly), I have noticed that the parents who annoyed me back at the kindergarten open houses have groomed public nuisance teens that grace me with their presences more often than necessary...and they seem to want to be fed!

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    1. This is a great concern of mine. I would consider home schooling but that seems like too much work on my part. Currently I'm researching the importance of education for children to see if they really need it.

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  13. I like to feed other people's kids lots of cotton candy and Pixie Sticks and tell them stories about a clown or marionette with a checkered past. That usually calms them right down. Either that, or the opposite of that.

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    1. Sorry I can't reply to this because I'm currently hiding in the corner of my basement with a baseball bat because I now can't stop thinking about marionettes with checkered pasts. Thank you.

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  14. All kids are the worst. Dogs are 1 million times better. In fact, if I had a kid, I'd trade it for another dog right now. Dogs are better kissers than kids, generally cleaner and smell better. Even when they have gas.

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    1. I don't know. Have you smelled my kids' gas? It's like a potpourri explosion of golden scented flowers and freshly baked bread.

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    2. And I'm sure that my kids are at LEAST smarter than the average cocker spaniel.

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  15. To the first graphic--AMEN. And to the rest of all this--you guys are my favorite (Puck was obviously excluded from consideration).

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    1. Thanks! I bet even Puck's parents were also other people's kids.

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  16. Pat guesses he likes Christian... that's a scoop. Ans as for other people's kids... I'd recommend The Green Pickster's The Baby White Noise Muzzle. That's right.

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    1. Yeah. It's at least a 50/50 chance that I get it right.

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  17. I love kids, seriously. I don't have them, though, so I wonder if I had kids, then would I start hating other people's kids?

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  18. I would say on an individual basis, I like other people's kids 50% of the time, but in groups of three or more - they are horrible child monster beasts that roam the land and are terrifying.

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    1. Oh yeah, the more other people's kids there are the worse they are.

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  19. Me and kids do not mix. I know that will come as a giant surprise to you, Christian, seeing how I'm so kid friendly and all. I had the following conversation with my friend's seven year old the other day.

    Her (bouncing up and down like she's on a demented trampoline and screeching at the top of her lungs): FART, FART, FART, FART, FARTY FART-FART!!!
    Me: Well that was unexpected.
    Her: Farty poo poo head (explosive laughter)
    Me: Now that is just not something a lady should say.
    Her: I'm NOT a lady. I'm a FARTY MONSTER!

    The thought of that all day every day? I'll let YOU have the kids. :)

    *She WAS a farty monster though...

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    1. You see, my five year old never talked like that until he went to pre-school, which was absolutely infested with other people's kids. And he then passed it on to my three year old. Other people's kids are like a virus.

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  20. I believe that 'other people's kids' are a plague upon our civilization and we must stop them. All children must be raised in isolation and learn about the world via the computer in a nice, sterile environment. It's just safer that way.

    Sorry I'm late stopping by from the Humor Me! Blog Hop.

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  21. "Domesticated politeness-ponies"-- how did I miss this post?!? and especially considering that you even mention me and link me?!? Argh! I feel like the opposite of a politeness pony, so is that a rudeness raccoon? because raccoons are, by nature, kinda rude. They break into trash cans with their grubby little paws-- wait, are we talking about other people's kids or raccoons now?

    I am so confused.

    Great post, as usual!

    xxo
    MOV

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