Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Lucky Charms Marshmallow Epidemic

The other day I was doing some research in the name of science and discovered that there are now way too many different kinds of marshmallows in Lucky Charms (For those of you unfamiliar with Lucky Charms, it’s a breakfast cereal consisting of an assortment of marshmallow shapes mixed with some dry cat food).

Back in my kid days we only had five different kinds of marshmallows: pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds.

Of course in 1984 they introduced purple horseshoes which ended up being a huge controversy turning this country upside down and causing the Russians to boycott the 84’ Olympics. But as a world we eventually healed.

But now I’ve learned that they have added all kinds of new absurd marshmallows. There’s shooting stars, balloons, rainbows, pots of gold, and something called cloverhats. I’m disgusted. 

They’re magically oversaturated with marshmallows is what they are.

Pat, surely you are not a fan of all these new foreign marshmallows are you?

Pat:  I think I did a clover hat at a Dead show way back in college. Not sure, but that sounds familiar. And I hear shooting stars are what all the kids these days are trading their Ativan™ and Ritalin™ for when they go to those weekend parties.  

You can buy those in cereals now? Wow...things are getting progressive!

Christian: I’m not surprised at all that you are in favor of this free-for-all orgy of marshmallow recklessness. Weren't you also the one that argued that they needed more members in Menudo if they ever really wanted to reach true success? Pshhh.

So if you are in favor of this new marshmallow regime, let me ask you this; is there a point at which you’ll feel like there are too many marshmallows? Or do you think they should just keep adding new marshmallow after new marshmallow after new marshmallow until someone is killed?

Pat:  First off...don’t try to distort my words. What I said was that I thought it was pretty cool that they were putting DRUGS into Lucky Charms. Because I misunderstood and thought that those things you were talking about were drugs, and then I started thinking about how much more I probably would’ve liked cereal--and potentially life--if there were drugs in it.  

But anyway...now I get it. And I have to say I still think the more-marshmallow thing is okay. I mean, nobody ever buys that cereal for the bland grain-based non-marshmallow things, do they? Hell, I think it’d be cool if the cereal was nothing BUT those weird foamy marshmallows. Imagine the gloopy paste that would turn into when mixed with milk and saliva in your mouth. Mmmmmmmmmm!

Christian: Yes I agree, drugs or no drugs, the marshmallows are the best part.

Drugs

However I do feel you need at least a little bit of the dry cat food part for texture’s sake but that’s an argument for another day.

My issue with these new age Lucky Charms is the constant changing of the marshmallow shapes. If they keep adding and removing marshmallows all willy-nilly like, it’s just going to confuse and frighten kids (like Menudo). And what if a kid gets particularly attached to a specific marshmallow but it’s then removed to make room for another new one?

How am I supposed to explain to my four year old that his favorite hot air balloon Lucky Charm marshmallow is now dead? Slaughtered into a cold pool of gooey blood by marketing marshmallow murderers who say the balloon marshmallow wasn’t trending well?

Pat, you are a monster.

Pat:   I suppose you struggle with the fact that “Small Wonder” and “Charles in Charge” aren’t on TV anymore, too. Yeah? Life moves ever forward, Christian, in people and in marshmallow-whole-grain(??) cereals. Embrace change or prepare to huddle in a small mass of quivering flesh on your kitchen floor. Forever.

Christian: Hey, I’m all for change. Without it technology wouldn’t advance and we wouldn’t grow as people. But it is also important to hold onto tradition and our roots. And change just for change’s sake is not something I’m always on board with. Especially at the frequency the marshmallow engineers at General Mills keep changing the Lucky Charms marshmallows.

Since 1986, they have added a whale-shaped marshmallow then got rid of it, a green tree-shaped one then got rid of it, sprinkled marshmallows then got rid of them, and don’t even get me started on the ludicrous number of freakish star and balloon hybrid marshmallows they have experimented with over the years.

I don’t remember this one.

They are basically doing their market research on us. Can’t they just figure out what the best shapes are without having to experiment on us?

Pat, do you like having large corporations experiment on you? I don’t.

Pat: Marshmallow-dentata? That’s kind of fucked up. Gelatin balls shouldn’t have teeth. Or eyes, I suppose.  

Would this be a bad time to bring up the light brown M&M™  from our youth?

Christian: EXACTLY!!! That’s the perfect example of large corporations experimenting on us. I don’t remember all the facts as to why they eventually discontinued them but didn’t those light brown M&Ms kill a lot of people including wiping out the entire population of a small town in Nebraska? Again, I don’t remember the details but DON’T google it. We don’t want to break the momentum this post has going on right now.

And let us not forget the Coca-Cola recipe experiments of the 80’s which was the root cause of Baby Jessica falling down that well.  

In conclusion, I think it’s pretty obvious that constant changing of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms will only lead to the devastation of small midwest towns and babies falling down wells.

27 comments:

  1. I laughed when I read this. So much fun over such an insignificant thing despite it being the cause of small towns being wiped out and babies falling down wells. *sigh* There is always collateral damage. However, Leo was not amused. He was incensed, nay, insulted that you would state unequivocally that part of the makeup of Lucky Charms is cat food. Now I have to deal with a cranky cat. Thanks a lot guys.

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    1. He's probably right. The dry cat food like parts of Lucky Charms are probably not as good as real cat food.

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  2. Do they even qualify as marshmallows? Though you mourn the loss of the red balloon, I think the red balloon is what killed the Lucky Charms marshmallow. It's in the name, they're supposed to be lucky freaking charms. A red balloon is not a charm. Screw it, I'm switching to the ever constant rock cereal that is Grape Nuts.

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    1. Thank you, Pickleope...no, they do not, just as the kibble does not qualify as a whole grain foodstuff. Christian is just easily excitable.

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  3. Just remember - whether it's a red balloon or a clover or a shooting star, there's still about a 50/50 ratio of marshmallows to that grain filler crap. It's all diabetes in the end.

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    1. Is there really? Has there always been? Man, either I couldn't estimate properly as a kid, or my parents were screwing me out of some sugar-to-kibble ratio goodness!

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  4. I used to suffered through the grainy puff things just so I could feel satisfied with the amount of marshmallows I had toward the end.

    But, I agree. Too much experimentation could lead to some horrific monstrosities such as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

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    1. Oh yes I would suffer too. But it teaches a valuable life lesson. If you save now (eat more grainy parts and less marshmallows) it will pay off in the end (nothing but marshmallows!)

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  5. My kids have no issue with the ever-changing marshmallow shapes, and is it evil I feel the need to share this post with every real-food, organic, gluten-free, horse-hoof free, hippie running around the Internet?

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  6. Meh. Sink the marshmallows. My kids would eat them even if they were chainsaws and wing nuts. It's the SUGAR, baby.

    For that matter, if they were real marshmallows they wouldn't have fallen off the itty bitty roasting sticks we had them on while camping recently. They're nothing but painty sugar chunks. Wait. I suppose that's what the REAL marshmallows are, without the paint.

    Bring out the sugar-coated Brussels sprouts. Now THAT would be a healthy cereal. Lucky Charms green beans anyone? Taste great in milk.

    I think I'll pontificate on this on my own blog over at www.murph4slaw.blogspot.com Y'all come over and set a spell.

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    1. YES! And agave sweetened Broccoli-O's. They might not appreciate it now, but they'll thank us later!

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  7. I'm with Christian on this one...it's a travesty, and I had no idea this corruption was going on! How can they add marshmallow shapes? I mean, the little Lucky Charm elf guy used to say on the commercial how it had pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diamonds. We all have that memorized! There's no more room in my brain for more marshmallow shapes.

    I would say I would boycott Lucky Charms now, but all this talk of it has made me want a bowl of em. But dang it, I won't be able to tell you the shapes I ate! That's just wrong.

    "Or do you think they should just keep adding new marshmallow after new marshmallow after new marshmallow until someone is killed?" My favorite line :)

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    1. I tried to boycott them too but they're just so damn magically delicious.

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  8. Wikipedia is telling me that each of the marshmallows represents a magical power that the leprechaun has. There's no way he doesn't flatten a town in the next decade.

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  9. my kids love the marshmallows, no matter what the shape. they have no loyalty. they'd probably trade me in for a mom who gave them more lucky charms. ;)

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    1. Maybe if there were mom shaped marshmallows they would be more loyal. I'll send General Mills an e-mail.

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  10. I have always been afraid of Lucky Charms, which is probably sacrilegious since I'm part Irish. And that damn rabbit always stealing starving children's cereal, what's up with that? Someone should make some rabbit stew out of him.

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    1. I never liked that rabbit as a kid either. He might have only been trying to steal cereal in the commercials but what was he planning on stealing next when the cameras were off?

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  11. I have never ever in my life had Lucky Charms but they are basically just marshmallows? Sign me up!

    if anything ever came of the experiments it is M&M's crisps..mh I love them.

    Wasn't there a time when twix was called rider?

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    1. You seem very knowledgeable in the art of candy. Teach me your ways.

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  12. The basic shapes are good, but I feel it would be sad to begrudge the marshmallow artists their creative license in further marshmallow design.

    The only cereal we have in our house these days is plain muesli, aka birdseed. I make it palatable to my sugar-addicted tongue by adding M&Ms, accompanied by lots of gagging and eye-rolling from my health nut partner.

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    1. Maybe I need to rethink my stance. I would hate to stifle all those marshmallow artists. Especially the ones that went to marshmallow design school.

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  13. I hate the way you stop paying attention to something for a while and suddenly it's changed. I just found out there is now a basketball team in Memphis, Brooklyn and Toronto. WTF? I don't even know what team Dr. J plays for anymore!

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    1. You're right. There should be a Lucky Charms themed NBA team. The could be called The Charms.

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  14. I agree. Maybe for a different reason but I agree. All that changing of the marshmallow shapes is confusing my tongue. He likes it a certain way...

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