Thursday, June 13, 2013

Dreeeeeam....dream, dream, dreeeeam

Lots of things about getting older have left me...well...wondering about things. And by “things” I mean a terrifying debilitating fear of death, dying and pain. Things just hurt or ache or protrude, when they didn’t used to.

Still...this is no place to ruminate on our impending shortening mortal coil. One apparent perk of growing older? Trippy-ass dreams! Like the ones I’ve been having. No clue on earth what the hell they mean, and I’m tempted to leave ‘em well enough alone.

But I won’t.

Pat:  Christian...get this.

One night recently, I dreamt that I was in a house in Canada, just doing regular house-y things. Doorbell rings. Snoop Dogg--wait...a 5 foot tall Snoop Dogg--stands there holding a box.

“Hey Snoop,” says me.

“Hey man, here’s that box you needed,” says Snoop, handing me the box.

“Thanks, Snoop. Thanks a lot. See ya’,” says me.

“Here Maggie...here’s your shirt for school,” I continue, as I pull out the red and white basketball jersey that Snoop brought her, and which looks like it will fit more like a nylon mesh dress.

“Thanks daddie!”

And off she goes to school...in Canada.

Thoughts?


Christian: Well, lucky for you I’m a professional amatuer dream-analyzer hobbyist. Were there any birds in this dream?

Pat:  None. Well, I don’t think so. They might have been in my peripheral dream vision. I mean, it was Canada, so there must have been a goose or an eagle or a puffin in there somewhere.

Whatcha’ got for me? And just so I don’t catch you off-guard, when you’re done with this dream, I want to move on to one I just had that involved waking up from a nap on a colleague’s couch to find myself getting spooned by said colleague. It was really weird going to work the next day.

Christian: Did this second dream have any birds in it? I’m going to be upfront with you. If your dreams don’t have any birds in them I’m going to have a hard time analyzing them.

Pat:  Nope. No birds, unless, again, peripherally. Only colleagues, a forested hillside, a winding road, and a bachelor pad with a couch in it.

Whatcha’ got for me?

Christian: Was the colleague male or female?

Pat:  Very male. Big meaty fella’. Fleshy mits for hands--at least I think so. In my dream I was awakened by his big fleshy mit on my shoulder. Tenderly, mind you. But still creepy. We call him “Mook”. In real life that is. It’s not really his name...but it should be.


Christian: I think it’s a good thing that he was male. Otherwise, your wife probably wouldn’t be too happy with you dreaming about a female co-worker and you might also be at risk of some kind of sexual harassment lawsuit since you just publicly described a physical episode with an innocent co-worker.

Although on the other hand, this dream means that you are most likely gay, so your wife might not be too happy about that either. But let’s get back to your first dream.

You say it took place in Canada? That’s interesting since we all know that Canadians make you feel uncomfortable. Is it possible that you are feeling guilty about how you feel about our friends to the north? Or perhaps deep down you wish you were Snoop Dogg and that’s why you have him fulfilling your daughter’s parental needs and why he’s only 5 feet tall. It’s definitely one or the other.

Canada’s Snoop Dogg.

Pat:   Maybe. Never thought about that. But now he’s Snoop Lion, right? And I have always been afraid of lions, even though I’ve never really been threatened by them. It’s the manes, and the big teeth. And that ROAR! And the guy spooning me in my dream has mits like lion paws.

I think you might have tapped something. Go with it. Go now!

Christian:  Yes. That is what I meant. You must be scared of lions. Definitely what I meant. I totally nailed that one on the head.

But maybe it’s not lions you are scared of? It’s interesting that you said “It’s the manes, and the big teeth” because that makes me think that it’s actually the manes, and the big teeth you are afraid of. Hmmm?

Are you afraid of Prince?

Just look at that mane and big teeth. Rawr indeed!

Pat:  Yes. I have always been afraid of him. But that’s normal. I think if you’re not afraid (and weirdly attracted at the same time) to Prince then there’s something very wrong with you.

But...manes. We might be onto something here. Manes really only live on big animals (and David Coverdale). And they’re scary. And Maine is one of our northernmost contiguous states, and we don’t really need to talk any more about latitudes, do we? And The Maine was the damn catastrophe that got us into World War One way back when people who are now dead were living. And Mook teaches history!

Damn. You’re good, man.

36 comments:

  1. Was it proportional Snoop just smaller, or was it like you took regular Snoop and compressed him to to five feet? Do you have a fear of pot or Rastafarians? Regardless, it's the dream about you being spooned by your colleague that's more intriguing.

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    1. Good question, Pickleope. And...I'm not sure. Not really proportional, but not compressed either. More like his femurs were removed. I think. The baggy pants made it hard to tell.

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  2. Wait, if you're scared of Manes and Maine, are you also scared of mains electricity? If so, you better turn your computer off right now, without turning it off at the mains.

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    1. Nah...I'm cool with electricity. It's kind of exhilarating, to be honest.

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  3. Nipple
    Grandma pleasure
    ill fitting bathing suit on grandpa.

    There. Do you feel uncomfortable? Yes? Then this Canadians work is done.

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    1. Do you realize how long I just spent trying to figure out if that was some sort of post-modern haiku? (psst! is it?)

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    2. It is close to being a Canadian haiku. If the last line says "Sorry", then it is a Canadian haiku. The above was just a bunch of stuff.

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  4. Getting spooned by a colleague isn't THAT bad. I dreamed the other day that my recently deceased uncle came back as a zombie and I had to beat him to death with a piece of plywood before he could eat me. Yeah, I'm not gonna be telling my parents about that one, and I also just choose not to analyze that one. Seems for the best.

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    1. I've heard that zombie-killing dreams are the newest manifestation of the lesser known 6th stage of grief and mourning. You're totally normal!

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  5. Maybe you're a psychic. Perhaps you're dream is telling you that Maine will soon succeed to Canada, and the only ones that can do anything about it are you and a 5-foot tall Snoop Dogg doppelganger that you're destined to meet at a basketball game.

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    1. Y'know...with all due respect to the Pine Tree state, I think I'd be okay if we gave them to Canada as a peace offering.

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  6. I keep having dreams where I'm yelling at and telling off my mom but those are pretty straight forward. WAIT - my mom is also 5 feet tall, oh my God, what could it mean?

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    1. Wait...you only do that in your dreams? I think I could have been a better son, maybe.

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  7. I just had a dream where I accidentally peed on my friend's baby during a photos hoot. It was super embarrassing, but she didn't mind. She was very cool about the whole thing. What do you guys think about that? Do I really want to pee on babies?

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    1. I think photos are a hoot too, Megiweg! Especially ones with people peeing on things. But I found out that that's kind of a weird fetish.

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  8. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss was in my dream this afternoon (the rain, I blame that nap on the incessant rain) and she seemed annoyed with me, which makes sense since I am sure she is far too busy to be spending time hanging around in my head.

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  9. You didn't even mention the fact that Snoop has that Dog part of his name. Are you afraid of dogs too? Some of them are fluffy enough they look like they have manes. See. You've got a major problem. Dogs everywhere have got to be worried about what you'll do to them. Not only launch dogs (dogs that are so annoying you want to launch them) but even the silent brutes and the softy lovable ones too. Yep. Trouble right here in River City.

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    1. Damn I can't believe I missed the Snoop Dog to dogs with manes connection. I guess that's why I'm only a professional amateur dream analyzer.

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  10. I had a dream the other night about a police officer who was the spitting image of Screech in Saved By The Bell giving me a ticket because I stopped in the middle of the freeway to save a kitten. Any thoughts?

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  11. I always get murdered in my dreams, usally with razor blades or during a knife fight. But there are never any birds in them. I'm ok, right?

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    1. Totally. You only need to be concerned about reocurring gruesome and horrific death sequences within dreams if there's also a parakeet or blue jay or something.

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  12. This is so hilarious! I REALLY lived that Snoop was 5 feet tall. That will make me smile all day.

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  13. HAHAHA! This is brilliant - although I'm pretty sure Snoog Dogg has decided he wants to be referred to as Snoop Lion nowadays... so expect a call from his lawyer xx

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  14. i once woke up in bed with my team leader at the time...he was naked...i was wearing all my clothes, my boy friend was not happy...he got spooned hahaha..

    so uh snoop dog is now snoop lion...is that real?

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    1. Wait, your boyfriend got spooned? Or the team leader got spooned? Were they spooning each other or were you the spooner?

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    2. my boyfriend got spooned by my naked team leader...awh what fun we had...

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  15. I read this the other night, but was laughing too hard to comment. The puffin remark was perfect comedic timing. My husband stalks you guys now too. I think he has a blog crush. :)

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  16. As someone that rarely knows what anyone else is talking about, myself included, I believe that your fear of Snoop [insert animal of the moment here] is actually your anxiety over the possibility of male pattern baldness (or the loss of one's main mane). Just a thought.

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    1. I appreciate the second opinion, but who's the professional amateur dream analyzer hobbyist here?

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  17. Those were some awesome dreams, and excellent interpretations! I often find myself shaking a fist to the north and shouting "MAINE!!" dramatically into the wind. No good can come from it.

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