Lots of things about getting older have left me...well...wondering about things. And by “things” I mean a terrifying debilitating fear of death, dying and pain. Things just hurt or ache or protrude, when they didn’t used to.
Still...this is no place to ruminate on our impending shortening mortal coil. One apparent perk of growing older? Trippy-ass dreams! Like the ones I’ve been having. No clue on earth what the hell they mean, and I’m tempted to leave ‘em well enough alone.
But I won’t.
Pat: Christian...get this.
One night recently, I dreamt that I was in a house in Canada, just doing regular house-y things. Doorbell rings. Snoop Dogg--wait...a 5 foot tall Snoop Dogg--stands there holding a box.
“Hey Snoop,” says me.
“Hey man, here’s that box you needed,” says Snoop, handing me the box.
“Thanks, Snoop. Thanks a lot. See ya’,” says me.
“Here Maggie...here’s your shirt for school,” I continue, as I pull out the red and white basketball jersey that Snoop brought her, and which looks like it will fit more like a nylon mesh dress.
And off she goes to school...in Canada.
Christian: Well, lucky for you I’m a professional amatuer dream-analyzer hobbyist. Were there any birds in this dream?
Pat: None. Well, I don’t think so. They might have been in my peripheral dream vision. I mean, it was Canada, so there must have been a goose or an eagle or a puffin in there somewhere.
Whatcha’ got for me? And just so I don’t catch you off-guard, when you’re done with this dream, I want to move on to one I just had that involved waking up from a nap on a colleague’s couch to find myself getting spooned by said colleague. It was really weird going to work the next day.
Christian: Did this second dream have any birds in it? I’m going to be upfront with you. If your dreams don’t have any birds in them I’m going to have a hard time analyzing them.
Pat: Nope. No birds, unless, again, peripherally. Only colleagues, a forested hillside, a winding road, and a bachelor pad with a couch in it.
Whatcha’ got for me?
Christian: Was the colleague male or female?
Pat: Very male. Big meaty fella’. Fleshy mits for hands--at least I think so. In my dream I was awakened by his big fleshy mit on my shoulder. Tenderly, mind you. But still creepy. We call him “Mook”. In real life that is. It’s not really his name...but it should be.
Christian: I think it’s a good thing that he was male. Otherwise, your wife probably wouldn’t be too happy with you dreaming about a female co-worker and you might also be at risk of some kind of sexual harassment lawsuit since you just publicly described a physical episode with an innocent co-worker.
Although on the other hand, this dream means that you are most likely gay, so your wife might not be too happy about that either. But let’s get back to your first dream.
You say it took place in Canada? That’s interesting since we all know that Canadians make you feel uncomfortable. Is it possible that you are feeling guilty about how you feel about our friends to the north? Or perhaps deep down you wish you were Snoop Dogg and that’s why you have him fulfilling your daughter’s parental needs and why he’s only 5 feet tall. It’s definitely one or the other.
Canada’s Snoop Dogg.
Pat: Maybe. Never thought about that. But now he’s Snoop Lion, right? And I have always been afraid of lions, even though I’ve never really been threatened by them. It’s the manes, and the big teeth. And that ROAR! And the guy spooning me in my dream has mits like lion paws.
I think you might have tapped something. Go with it. Go now!
Christian: Yes. That is what I meant. You must be scared of lions. Definitely what I meant. I totally nailed that one on the head.
But maybe it’s not lions you are scared of? It’s interesting that you said “It’s the manes, and the big teeth” because that makes me think that it’s actually the manes, and the big teeth you are afraid of. Hmmm?
Are you afraid of Prince?
Just look at that mane and big teeth. Rawr indeed!
Pat: Yes. I have always been afraid of him. But that’s normal. I think if you’re not afraid (and weirdly attracted at the same time) to Prince then there’s something very wrong with you.
But...manes. We might be onto something here. Manes really only live on big animals (and David Coverdale). And they’re scary. And Maine is one of our northernmost contiguous states, and we don’t really need to talk any more about latitudes, do we? And The Maine was the damn catastrophe that got us into World War One way back when people who are now dead were living. And Mook teaches history!
Damn. You’re good, man.