Thursday, March 13, 2014

Sorry Kids, Trix is for the Fighting Elite

Simple question Pat: in a one-on-one single elimination fight to the death tournament, which breakfast cereal mascot would win?

Pat: Uncle Sam! BOOM! I win! (or are you feeling UNAMERICAN, buddy!?)

Christian: I wasn’t familiar with Uncle Sam cereal so I had to google it. As far as I can tell their mascot is a spoon full of their cereal. That doesn’t seem like something that would hold up well in a fight.

COME AT ME BRO!

I’m guessing it would easily lose in the first round to Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam or even that sissy Sugar Smacks frog.

Look, he’s about to put the *smack* down on a spoon of
cereal on the box. My point proven. And I think he’s *smack* talking too.

You really think the Uncle Sam spoon of cereal would fair well in a death match?

Pat: No. Not really. It’s just the first thing I saw after I ran to the cupboard and looked for cereal.  See...I’m not a cereal eater. I tend towards a nice egg-cheese-bread breakfast sandwich. But that box of Uncle Sam was in there and I was feeling lazy so I just went with it.

Know what? That Uncle Sam crap tastes like...crap. It’s like putting a mouthful of hamster cage shavings in your mouth, with milk. Apparently my wife loves the stuff. I was pretty sure about her being the one, but after that experience I’m not so sure.

Nope...Uncle Sam is out.

So who now? Hmm...Captain Crunch was just informed by the US navy that he is not in fact a captain, so he’s out. Do Snap, Crackle and Pop count as one, ‘cause they’d probably be a kick-ass kung-fu action team? Tony the Tiger seems too obvious a choice, and I feel like you might be expecting me to choose him in order to set me up for ultimate disappointment.

Got it! Well, got them, actually, because I can’t really choose. It’s a tie-up between Cliffy the Clown (one helluva terrifying muthafucka!) and Fruit Brute (‘cause who wants to argue with a name like THAT?).

         

What say you, compadré?

Christian: Cliffy the Clown is definitely frightening. I wasn’t too familiar with him so I did some research to see how many people he killed during his time. I learned that he was actually around before the cereal. He had a TV show or something and later Kelloggs asked him to be a spokesperson for them. Basically what I’m saying is that he doesn’t qualify.

But as for Fruit Brute, that’s a good choice. He appears to have sharp teeth and claws but I’m assuming he’s a werewolf or something right? Doesn’t that mean he is only ferocious and menacing when there is a full moon? Which only happens once a month. What happens if the death-match tournament doesn’t fall on that one day of the month. I don’t like those odds.

As for my choice, I thought to myself, who has no morals or sympathy for others? Who has unbelievable strength and speed? Who doesn’t feel pain and will stop at nothing to feed their desires? That’s right--a meth addict. And which cereal mascot is clearly a meth addict? The Trix Rabbit.

Just look at his crazed eyes as he lunges for a
piece of Heisenberg’s blue crystal.

He can probably lift a car off of a baby with just his ears.

Unless Fruit Brute lucks out and the match falls on a full moon I think this rabbit will be drinking his blood in no time.

You got anyone you think can beat him?

Pat:  I think if we’re talking potential meth-head mascots, Cliffy spits rotted teeth all over your Trix Rabbit. You think a non-tweaker would come up with a get-up like that?!  

I won’t fight you on Cliffy’s exclusion, though I have to let you know that I don’t enjoy these games where you apparently make up the finer-pointed rules as we go along. Nor do I like the assumption that Fruit Brute is a werewolf. He could very easily be a mangy neighborhood mutt, or a deranged axe-wielding lunatic dressed up in a vaguely-canine outfit. I think they call those people “furries”.  

Yep. Just googled it. They’re “furries”. And I don’t understand them.

I’m sticking with Fruit Brute. Unless you’re going to tell me he already lost. Then I’m going with Crunchasaurus Rex. Looks thuggish enough for a grain-based processed food.

 

Christian: OK. Maybe a dinosaur could beat a meth-addicted rabbit. Nice pick.

But I think I got one that can take down your silly dinosaur. Now most people probably think the mascot for Cookie Crisp cereal is diabetes but it’s not. It’s a WIZARD!!!


Good luck to your Crunchasaurus Rex while he’s fighting Gandalf.

Pat: Ooh...damn! Wizards are hard to beat! But is what they do really called “fighting”? Isn’t “sorcery” more appropriate? I’m not trying to be a sore loser or anything, but that seems a bit desperate to me.

Christian: Sorcery is a type of fighting. Just like kung-fu and water balloon.

So why don’t you and Crunchasaurus Rex go share some scones while my Cookie Crisp wizard rains terror down upon all these other breakfast cereal mascots and turns them into a pile of sugar and Butylated Hydroxytoluene.

42 comments:

  1. If the cereal has been discontinued, doesn't that mean the mascot has lost? Hence the demise of Fruit Brute and the blessed end of that terrifying Cliffy the Clown. If given those parameters, then, yeah, Trix the methed out (though I would argue it's PCP) rabbit would be a good choice.
    I would cast my lot with the Lucky Charms leprechaun. I've seen Leprechaun in Da' Hood. Leprechauns are freaky.

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    1. I did considered the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Mostly because leprechauns scare me.

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  2. PVP is correct about retired cereal...I gotta go with the obvious. TONY THE TIGER!!

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    1. That's a good suggestion. But he seems a little too upbeat and positive - you know with all the "That's GREAT!" talk - to be a brutal fighter.

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  3. Sugar Smacks tasted terrible. Just awful. Plus they looked like tiny clams that had a thick layer of sand covering them, only in this case, I assume the sand was actually sugar. Which might explain why mothers feed this crap to their kids in the morning immediately before they're going to ship them out and let the government deal with them.

    I would cast my lot in with Frankenberry. Sure, he's pink, but that guy looks like he could take a punch.

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    1. Frankenberry might be a good selection, but he often looks like he's high. High on the weed. That wouldn't be good for extreme fighting.

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  4. I'm casting my lot with something sort of healthy. Kellog's Raisin Bran. You got your bran for regularity, but you've got your sugar dusted raisins for a tiny bit of joy in your spoon ... and the mascot is - the SUN. Sure he looks happy and all but deathly solar radiation!! Huge solar flares! Take that you crack head bunny...

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    1. I can't believe I didn't think of this one. Especially considering that the only cereal I ever eat.

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  5. Um..Freakies...they were a whole GANG. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP8mbxZBl3k. (And I may have owned all the action figures.)

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    1. I only have a vague memory of them. In a suppressed kind of way.

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  6. Does the fact that Count Chocula is a vampire disqualify him from the competition, since it is "to the death"?

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    1. Yeah, because he would just end up biting his opponent thus turning them into a vampire and now the match is literally going to take forever.

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  7. I think you should consider the pure, unadulterated violent fury that must surely be felt by the two rejected bakers that used to flank Wendell on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box. I bet those two would open up a serious can of whoopass on any cereal mascot that you could throw at them. They've got an entire kitchen's worth of tools and utensils at their disposal--including those creme brulee torches...

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    1. I have just learned that in certain circles, those two bakers are known as "Quello" and "Bob." Thug names if I ever heard them!

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    2. Wow, I didn't know there was so much history and drama with regards to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascots. Michael Bay should do a movie about them.

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  8. Hmmmmm...I think Sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs addiction could rival whatever the meth has done to the trix rabbit. I often think that Tony the tiger is the hero (and that frosted flakes might be laced with crack)

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    1. I would pay good money to see a duel between Sonny and the Trix rabbit. Let them each dope up before hand and then go at it.

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  9. Have you ever noticed the solemn and wise power of the Corn Flakes mascot? Just a chicken. I don't get it since it's a corn product, but whatever. It's still awesome. LOL

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    1. Yeah that is weird. I mean what part of the chicken do flakes come from?

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  10. I pick Grape-Nuts. Having made an attempt at eating grape nuts I can only assume they are in fact little rocks, and that their mascot is therefore also a rock.

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    1. They are sharp too. You could do a lot of cutting with them.

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  11. I'd have to go with straight up Corn Flakes. Roosters are vicious bastards, and even if he gets decapitated, he can keep on fighting for a while. Other than that, the Lucky Charms leprechaun can teleport. That's a pretty useful ability.

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    1. Now for some reason I can't stop thinking about whether Corn Flakes mixed with Lucky Charm marshmallows is a good idea or not.

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  12. Honey Nut Cheerio bee because I'm assuming all the rest of the mascots are allergic to bee stings. SHOW ME PROOF THEY'RE NOT.

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    1. I checked all of Wikipedia and you're right. There is no proof. But did you know Jimi Hendrix was part Cherokee?

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  13. I love that you guys just had more fun with breakfast cereal than anyone in the history of forever. To all of your and Gandalf's future cereal successes!

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    1. Breakfast is the most important meal with regards to death-fighting.

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    2. Dude, have you guys been taken down by the cereal?? Where are you. I'm needing that PCPPP wit in my week!

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  14. I'm with Carrie. I'm pretty sure the Cheerios Honey Bee is actually an aggressive Africanized killer bee just waiting for his opportunity to strike and rule all of cereal with an iron fist.

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    1. But once he stings someone won't he die afterwards? I could see him getting past the first round, but he may struggle in the second round, being dead and all.

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  15. I think I might trot out the Quaker Oats guy in this battle. He's got that no-nonsense look to him, a Ron Swanson of his day. I imagine he would bring a heavy wooden walking stick with him and use it without hesitation.

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    1. He seems like the type to carry a musket too. He might do well. Wait, can Quakers use weapons?

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  16. I'd wage my bets on the Flintstones, who didn't make this competition because Fred got bad foot fungus, from all the driving. But they have Bam Bam, remember? He's one bad ass in diapers.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Don't forget about Dino too. Having a crazed rabid dinosaur/dog will help them out a lot.

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  17. count chocula becuase he flies and can probably suck your blood

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    1. Someone on Facebook suggested Count Chocula too but it was argued that once he bit his opponent his opponent would become a vampire and since vampires live forever the fight would just be a really long stand off.

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  18. Holy crap! I recognize that clown!

    /shudder/

    What about Quisp? Can we talk about how utterly stoned that little alien dude looked?

    Pearl

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    1. If it was some kind of Doritos eating contest Quisp might do well but no stoner is going to win a fight to the death tournament.

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  19. You've made me curious.... How come you know what hamster cage shavings tast like - or shouldn't I ask? Cliffy the Clown reminds me of an uncle (don't ask) and that Fruit Brute doesn't look like it would eat fruit. I bet he's got his eye on the Trix Rabbit. A Trix Rabbit Scone.

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    1. Also... try and find your show at my show today....

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  20. That clown is terrifying.
    I agree, nothing beats Wizard. Anywhere, any game.
    That's why you don't hear "Wizard" in a game like "Rock Scissors Paper Lizard Spock" because: NO CONTEST.

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  21. Surely this is a site well worth seeing.

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