Simple question Pat: in a one-on-one single elimination fight to the death tournament, which breakfast cereal mascot would win?
Pat: Uncle Sam! BOOM! I win! (or are you feeling UNAMERICAN, buddy!?)
Christian: I wasn’t familiar with Uncle Sam cereal so I had to google it. As far as I can tell their mascot is a spoon full of their cereal. That doesn’t seem like something that would hold up well in a fight.
COME AT ME BRO!
I’m guessing it would easily lose in the first round to Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam or even that sissy Sugar Smacks frog.
Look, he’s about to put the *smack* down on a spoon of
cereal on the box. My point proven. And I think he’s *smack* talking too.
You really think the Uncle Sam spoon of cereal would fair well in a death match?
Pat: No. Not really. It’s just the first thing I saw after I ran to the cupboard and looked for cereal. See...I’m not a cereal eater. I tend towards a nice egg-cheese-bread breakfast sandwich. But that box of Uncle Sam was in there and I was feeling lazy so I just went with it.
Know what? That Uncle Sam crap tastes like...crap. It’s like putting a mouthful of hamster cage shavings in your mouth, with milk. Apparently my wife loves the stuff. I was pretty sure about her being the one, but after that experience I’m not so sure.
Nope...Uncle Sam is out.
So who now? Hmm...Captain Crunch was just informed by the US navy that he is not in fact a captain, so he’s out. Do Snap, Crackle and Pop count as one, ‘cause they’d probably be a kick-ass kung-fu action team? Tony the Tiger seems too obvious a choice, and I feel like you might be expecting me to choose him in order to set me up for ultimate disappointment.
Got it! Well, got them, actually, because I can’t really choose. It’s a tie-up between Cliffy the Clown (one helluva terrifying muthafucka!) and Fruit Brute (‘cause who wants to argue with a name like THAT?).
What say you, compadré?
Christian: Cliffy the Clown is definitely frightening. I wasn’t too familiar with him so I did some research to see how many people he killed during his time. I learned that he was actually around before the cereal. He had a TV show or something and later Kelloggs asked him to be a spokesperson for them. Basically what I’m saying is that he doesn’t qualify.
But as for Fruit Brute, that’s a good choice. He appears to have sharp teeth and claws but I’m assuming he’s a werewolf or something right? Doesn’t that mean he is only ferocious and menacing when there is a full moon? Which only happens once a month. What happens if the death-match tournament doesn’t fall on that one day of the month. I don’t like those odds.
As for my choice, I thought to myself, who has no morals or sympathy for others? Who has unbelievable strength and speed? Who doesn’t feel pain and will stop at nothing to feed their desires? That’s right--a meth addict. And which cereal mascot is clearly a meth addict? The Trix Rabbit.
Just look at his crazed eyes as he lunges for a
piece of Heisenberg’s blue crystal.
He can probably lift a car off of a baby with just his ears.
Unless Fruit Brute lucks out and the match falls on a full moon I think this rabbit will be drinking his blood in no time.
You got anyone you think can beat him?
Pat: I think if we’re talking potential meth-head mascots, Cliffy spits rotted teeth all over your Trix Rabbit. You think a non-tweaker would come up with a get-up like that?!
I won’t fight you on Cliffy’s exclusion, though I have to let you know that I don’t enjoy these games where you apparently make up the finer-pointed rules as we go along. Nor do I like the assumption that Fruit Brute is a werewolf. He could very easily be a mangy neighborhood mutt, or a deranged axe-wielding lunatic dressed up in a vaguely-canine outfit. I think they call those people “furries”.
Yep. Just googled it. They’re “furries”. And I don’t understand them.
I’m sticking with Fruit Brute. Unless you’re going to tell me he already lost. Then I’m going with Crunchasaurus Rex. Looks thuggish enough for a grain-based processed food.
Christian: OK. Maybe a dinosaur could beat a meth-addicted rabbit. Nice pick.
But I think I got one that can take down your silly dinosaur. Now most people probably think the mascot for Cookie Crisp cereal is diabetes but it’s not. It’s a WIZARD!!!
Good luck to your Crunchasaurus Rex while he’s fighting Gandalf.
Pat: Ooh...damn! Wizards are hard to beat! But is what they do really called “fighting”? Isn’t “sorcery” more appropriate? I’m not trying to be a sore loser or anything, but that seems a bit desperate to me.
Christian: Sorcery is a type of fighting. Just like kung-fu and water balloon.
So why don’t you and Crunchasaurus Rex go share some scones while my Cookie Crisp wizard rains terror down upon all these other breakfast cereal mascots and turns them into a pile of sugar and Butylated Hydroxytoluene.