Thursday, March 6, 2014

Last Meal

I don’t know about you Pat, but I plan on never getting arrested and then executed on death row. It’s one of the items on my empty bucket list (things I don’t want to ever do before I die). Sure there’s the off chance I’ll get framed for a crime I didn’t commit. But my plan for that is to just execute a harrowing escape from prison. Which is why I schedule weekly escaping practices for myself from my basement. Granted I have never been able to successfully escape from my basement in the allotted time - 3 hours - but that’s most likely because I keep all the beer down there.

Anyways, another area of the being-put-on-death-row-for-a-crime-I-didn’t-commit scenario I have put a lot of thought into is my last meal (assuming my harrowing escape works out the same way as trying to escape from my basement -There’s beer in prison right?).

Pat, have you put any thought into what your last meal would be if for some reason you could only have one more meal before you died?

Pat: Man, buddy, when you nail it you REALLY nail it!* I have thought about this one, a lot!

And it might surprise you, me being the grand gourmand I am. Forget the idea of filet mignon and lobster with beurre blanc, with macerated roots and tubers. If it’s my last meal, I want a gut-stuffing platter of all the shit that experts said would kill me if I didn’t stop eating it.

That’s right...we’re talking gravy--LOTS of it!--on top of fried balls of anything covered in cheese that comes out of a tube. Might as well throw some crispy bacon on top of all that and try to squeeze it all into a giant tortilla in order to make the giantest crap-food chimichanga the world has ever seen. Cover it with some crema and some guaca-sauce, and I might just be swimming in a little pool of heaven.


Christian:  Seems like you should add an item from 7-11 on top of that thing too. Doesn’t matter what the item is as long as it’s from 7-11.

But Pat I think we are on the same page on this one. Yes, the naive and foolish answer would be to select something like lobster or steak. And I’ll be the first to admit that some of my favorite meals of all time were such things. But the kicker here is that lobster and steak aren’t always really good.

Even the top elite chefs from the finest Sizzlers around don’t always get it right. Are you going to want to risk it on your last meal ever? No.

As for me my last meal would be a large sausage pizza from my favorite pizza place, Papa’s Pizza (Sorry non-Oregonians, they’re a Willamette Valley only establishment). I’ve probably had over 1500 of these pizzas in my lifetime and I have never been unhappy with one. Their cheese is thick and melts with flavor while their crust falls perfectly between not too thin and not too thick. Perfection. And what is the only way to improve upon perfection? Put sausage on the perfection.

I think I really hit this one out of the park.

Pat: Something about the image of a sausage pizza always makes me vurp a little. I had a bad experience with an over-sausaged Chicago style pizza (I was in Chicago at the time, so I guess it was just “pizza”), where, in order to be able to eat it I had to pick out a lot of the sausage, which left me with a big ball-like thing of sausage and cheese, flecked with little spots of red.

Somewhere between...


and


But that’s cool...if that’s what you want for your last meal, then who the hell am I to argue. (vurp!).

I know that this isn’t the time or place to get a little self-righteous or preachy, but do you want to think about having even a little something green on your last meal Christian?

What if we play the airplane game as I feed it to you?

Christian: Something green? Pat, do you even understand what we are talking about here? This is our last meal. EVER. We’re going to die shortly after eating it (which is why I’m ordering a large pizza. It’s going to take me awhile to finish that baby off).

Why would you want to eat some greens? Are you planning on doing some exercising afterwards too? Don’t forget to floss while you’re at it.

Sheesh Pat, you really know how to take the fun out of being executed on death row.

Pat:  No, you’re probably right. It’s just that I think I might get a tiny bit nostalgic right at the end, and I might feel a twinge of regret about not eating something that connects me with this beautiful green planet that has nurtured me and helped me grow.

You don’t want to throw even a sprig of parsley on there? Just for fun, fresh breath...and a final taste of mother earth?

Christian: Stacey is right. You are a hippy.

*for all of our followers playing the “that’s-what-she-said” game, I just helped you get 100 points!

38 comments:

  1. First, I'm happy to know that I'm not alone in having thought about this way too much. I've heard they can't execute you if you're sick, so I'm on Pat's level in wanting a gut buster diarrhea-inducing poo-poo platter. A Taco Bell taco with a Jack-in-the-Box taco in between and maybe a shady Chinese food place shrimp dish ought to spare my life for at least a week after downing that.

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    1. I was not aware of the sickness clause. This changes everything. I now choose a large sausage pizza withe e.coli.

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  2. I’m going to have to take Christian’s side on this one. No greens. My real problem in this scenario is that I tend to go blank when faced with too many choices. I can recall many instances, when I know my wife is going to be out for long enough, that I find myself wandering the streets aimlessly, ducking in & out of fast food restaurants, unable to make a decision as to what tasty and completely unhealthy goodness with which to celebrate my (temporary) freedom.

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    1. Get a cell mate to choose for you. We have all your death row etiquette solutions here at PCPPP.

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  3. Both fabulous choices...as long as there's beer to wash it down making the situation and yum yums easier to swallow!

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    1. Damnit! We forgot to cover beverages. I want whiskey and coke with my pizza.

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  4. Oh God yes! My last meal would be a fat ball of grease and cheese. In fact, why wait until our last meals? I saw we meet up and chow down on the slimiest pieces of crap we can find, until we inevitably die or explode.

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  5. I agree with Pat over the sausage pizza and Christian with the no greens.

    My last meal would be a extra large buffalo chicken calzone from a local joint. I'd also have them stuff the pizza with a cocktail of drugs--tabs of acid, LSD, PSP, that sort of stuff. That way, I'll have no idea what the hell is going on when they strap me to the chair. Hell, I'd probably want to die at that point.

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  6. I'd just do a big ball of crack.

    But what's *really* important here is that I was MENTIONED and I was RIGHT.

    (where do I pick up my check??)

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    1. Just so you you know, I did *not* get my bike.

      And where is the hippy anyway? I don't have a lot to keep me occupied anymore so you're blog is the only thing to keep me going. I'm moving in next week to pcpppccppccppp headquarters.

      There better be sausage pizza.

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    2. I went to see our lawyer about your bike and not only did he say he knew nothing about it he also asked me who I was and how I got in the building. So you're probably not going to be getting that bike.

      P.S. Here at PCPPP headquarters the sausage pizza flows like wine.

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  7. I would order up something gross and really extreme. Like spicy pig intestine soup with salt and pepper frog's legs and deep fried grubs.

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  8. I'd probably have the classic Filet Mignon, baked potato with butter and sour cream, French Bread, then a Caesar Salad to throw at the guards, cheesecake, brownies, and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. No, I haven't thought about this before, I'm just using this space to make my shopping list for when Spring Semester is over and I'm free for the entire Summer...

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    1. Caeser salad is always so underrated when it comes to food to throw at people.

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  9. Thanks guys I feel a lot better now, I thought I was weird for thinking about this one. We don't even have a death penalty here, but I thought what if I get framed for a crime I didn't commit while being in the USA! But I heard you have a budget for your last meal, so you can't get lobster and caviar any way.

    I would have cake and ice cream.

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    1. Damn I forgot about dessert. I think I would go with a sausage pizza for dessert too.

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  10. I hate to burst your bubble, (<--- this always prefaces bursting a bubble, just like "no offense but" means "i'm about to offend you"), but I've read that your last meal is actually made in the prison cafeteria and is usually just some semblance of what you're dreaming about here. So the gourmet steak and lobster from Sizzler (tagline: there's some real meat in this plate of gristle) would probably be re-imagined by the prison "chef" as salisbury steak and canned tuna, and then for dessert, he'd probably shiv you. I guess what I'm saying is that being a serial killer is not all its cracked up to be.

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  11. http://content.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,2095889,00.html - Also? I find this disappointing. Too much fruit/greens/blandness. Surprising.

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    1. Yeah what is up with all these healthy murderers? And some of those meals could serve 6 to 8 people.

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  12. You guys crack me up. You're too much....too much something. I'll get back to ya with the perfect descriptive word. "Hippie" doesn't quite say it.

    You've inspired me to plan my last meal should I find myself on death row. Can I combine a big, hot, stringy, spicy, sausage pizza with a conjugal visit? I'm salivating. It's brilliant. Thanks, guys.

    xoRobyn

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    1. I guess we should do a post on our pick for conjugal visit while on death row next. Wife is such an obvious choice.

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    2. Yeah, wife is too obvious and boring. I mean, not that she's boring per se. And not that I would know anything about her conjugal skills or anything, but your last time should be memorable, like with Lady Gaga or someone whose sexuality is ambiguous. I'll be back to see your picks.

      xoRobyn

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  13. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2009/11/ill_have_24_tacos_and_the_filet_mignon.html - The IT department at my workplace will enjoy the searches I've done today prompted by your post. Enjoy.

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    1. According to this in Florida the last meal must be purchased locally. I wonder if that means local restaurants. Now all I have to do is make sure whatever I do to end up on death row I do in Florida. And make sure beforehand that Papas Pizza opens up a place in Florida near the state prison. Easy peasy.

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  14. I'd ask for 1 of everything from this site: http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

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    1. And Dr. C is the official winner of "selecting the best last meal".

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  15. Mmmmmm fried balls of anything, just like mama used to make.
    We have a Papa's Pizza chain here in the Chicago suburbs, which makes believe it or don't NON-deep-dish pizza. We have plenty of people here that opt OUT of the pizza soup, and some of us even prefer thin crust. My husband would eat pizza on a Saltine if they would just make it already.
    I find it hysterical that anyone would eat a vegetable as part of their last meal. Or any meal really. And flossing? Hilarious. Why don't I throw down some Scotch-guard on my teeth while I'm at it. Who am I, Tyra Banks?

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    1. I had never thought about pizza on saltines before until you mentioned it but now I think I will never think about anything else.

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  16. A firm "amen" to the no greens! I'd eat the biggest, greasiest meal I could, until they had to wheel me in there on a dolly. I want a meal so fattening and sugary that when they do the autopsy they find diabetes.

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    1. And then you could be all "Ha ha diabetes. Nice try but I'm already dead. In your face!"

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