Thursday, February 13, 2014

Vasecto-You and Me

Well... my penis is no longer a baby making war machine. That’s right, I got a vasectomy. And not just a pretend one. A real one. And as a very few of our loyal readers will recall, one of our first posts was about Pat’s vasectomy, which can be found here and over here but not here.

In that post Pat was willing to answer all the questions I had about his procedure and how it went, so I figured I would return the favor by turning the tables on him by having the answerer become the answerer-ed.

I’m still taking Vicodin.

Ask away Pat.

Pat:  Never knew it, but it turns out that I’m uncomfortable with posts that start with the words, “Well... my penis…”. Who knew?

This is hard to admit, but I’m a little chagrined--no, hurt--by the fact that you didn’t feel it appropriate to tell me about your vasectomy in advance. I mean, I told you ALL about mine in retrospect. The least you could have done was tell me about yours in forspect. Or invited me to go with you. Or had me do the shaving. Whatever. I’m not hurt.

Much.

 

Christian: Sorry about that. It’s just that the place I reserved for the procedure was kind of small and didn’t have a lot of seating. And then combine that with needing to make sure the caterers had enough room I really had to shorten down the guest list. I had to make a lot of tough decisions since I couldn’t invite everyone I wanted to. Unfortunately you didn’t make the list. However I am still registered at several stores around town if you want to get me a vasectomy gift.

If it makes you feel any better I did reread the post we did about your vasectomy before mine and decided to take your advice about listening to podcasts during the procedure.

Pat:  Yeah? How’d that work for you? I hope you chose the right podcast. I meant to tell you to stay far away from any NPR related podcasts--those things tend to accentuate the tugging feeling. Not sure why.

Thanks for the explanation. It makes me feel a little better. Are there any leftovers from the catering?


Christian:  The only leftovers were the weiners. For some reason those weren’t very popular amongst the guests.

As for the podcasts I went with Stuff You Should Know. I found one on handwriting analysis and about an hour after I took my pre-procedure Diazepam I had convinced myself that I was going to quit my job and become a professional forger once the procedure was over.

But about a quarter way through my procedure, right at the point where the Stuff You Should Know guys were explaining the significance of a capital ‘A’ (which I don’t remember any of), things started to not go to plan. The plan being that I was to not feel any pain during any of this.

It was rather severe pain. It wasn’t continuous but definitely recurring. I could also tell that the doctor was having to put a lot of physical effort into what he was doing which didn’t make me feel any better about the situati....   

*passes out. comes to 30 seconds later*

Whoa. Sorry. It’s still hard for me to talk about it in detail so let’s just move on.

He gave me an additional round of local anesthesia and proceeded but it really didn’t help. Afterwards he apologized for the pain and said “Your tubes were really hard to get to.” I haven’t done the research but I’m assuming that “hard to get to tubes” is a sign of extreme masculinity dating back to the era of the Roman Gods.

Anyways, I feel like the whole procedure and recovery period was not at all what I was expecting. Beforehand I had talked to several people who had gone through it and they all reassured me it’s no big deal. I consider them all extreme liers now and I hate them all.

Pat: I think I’m gonna’ throw up. Sorry. The images. The horror….the horror!

Christian: I know. And not once during my pre-exam consultation did the doctor ever say anything about horror. He went into great detail about what exactly will be done to my special man-parts during the procedure - during which I just sang songs about watermelons and happy places to myself - but nothing about warning me of horror.

He did say that he had had a couple of patients whose wives got pregnant after the procedure. But he then told me, with a sly, knowingly look, that it turned out to be something else. Naturally I assumed this meant he wanted me to impregnate his wife before I had my procedure but I was like, “No way Jose”.

You know what else didn’t live up to expectations? The drugs. The Diazepam was supposed to relax me. I was hoping that maybe it might give me somewhat of a high. But no. I shouldn’t have been surprised though since shortly after taking the Diazepam a group of well adjusted canaries, who could bend time and space with their eyes, told me that the drug doesn’t always work on everyone. I just must have been one of the unlucky ones.

The only thing about the whole experience that I am happy with is that it is done. It still seems odd to have sex without a condom though. It’s like I’m committing a sin or something. I don’t think God never intended for us to have unprotected sex.

36 comments:

  1. I think after reading this, my testicles have retreated to become ovaries. Now that it's over, you should definitely have a party. May I suggest on the invitations calling it "Vasect-Oh-My 2014"? It's all sex for pleasure from here on out, you're absolutely spitting in the face of fundamentalist religious types.

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  2. Did they put one of those big cones around your neck afterwards?

    It's always uncomfortable to see men walking around with those and knowing that they have recently been clipped.

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    1. Yeah they gave me one for my neck and one that goes around my waist. I guess they just wanted to be extra safe.

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  3. OMG. I feel so acquainted with your Vas Deferens now. And Google is putting a squiggly under that word so either I've spelled it wrong or it's too embarrassed to correct me.

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    1. Google tries to pretend it's nice and innocent, but we know better.

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  4. They don't knock you out for that mutila--procedure?? The least you could have done is live-tweet during the event. Have some taking pictures for Instagram. It's like you don't even WANT to share your life with us.
    As soon as I saw catering I was hoping you served hotdogs and donuts. Maybe those mini-weeners or pigs in a blanket of frozen peas. I'm waiting for gross vasectomy cakes to start flooding Facebook, like the gross baby shower cake that looks like a vagina, with a doll head sticking out. It gets worse, but I think I've made my point.
    Congrats on all the bare-back sex, and hopefully a final end to all pregnancies and pregnancy-related stress.

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    1. "They don't knock you out for that procedure?" were my exact first words too.

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  5. I'm also hurt that you didn't tell me ahead of time. I invite you to all of my doctor's appointments. It's not my fault that you don't like driving for 1.5 hours to see me ask for more muscle relaxers.

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  6. You don't call, you don't write, you don't invite me to your man-part clipping, Pat's a hippy.

    It's like the world *doesn't* revolve around me.

    Also, is a baby war making machine just a really small machine to make war and if so do you plan to invade Rhode Island?

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    1. Whoa whoa whoa there. Who said anything about small? Rhode Island would be a piece of cake. I could easily invade a larger state like Vermont or New Hampshire.

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  7. After reading about what you experienced, I think I'm just going to roll the dice and let my wife crap out 20 kids. I mean, better she suffer 20 childbirths than me have to endure one painful afternoon and the week of discomfort after.

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    1. A week of discomfort is another lie that was spread by those that I hate now. More like a month!

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  8. If I ever talk my husband into getting snipped, I'm definitely sending him to this post for enlightenment and encouragement. Of course I'll white-out the part about horror first.

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    1. Yes it would be wise not to mention anything about horror. I just doubled checked and there was also no mention of horror in the pamphlet the doctor gave my during our consultation appointment. I think there is a reason for this.

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  9. Ouch. This made me squirm and grab my penis. But then I remembered that I don't have one. Thanks for the laughs and, even though I wasn't invited to your vasectomy either, Christian, I am a big enough person to say that I hope your man parts (as manly as they are) have fully recovered.

    xoRobyn

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    1. They have. However psychologically speaking, I still have a long way to go.

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  10. Who knew a post about getting your man parts snipped could be so hilarious? My husband has told me he'd never get snipped, no way, no how. Well okay then. Since we don't have kids and do want at least one he's lucky enough to not have to use condoms.

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    1. Wait till you guys have a kid or two. He might change his tune then.

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  11. "I’m assuming that “hard to get to tubes” is a sign of extreme masculinity dating back to the era of the Roman Gods."--go with it. I think it's the best way to play it.

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  12. Ah, welcome to the club of neutered men.

    A few years ago when a friend was about to undergo the procedure, I warned him that if he wanted to avoid a nurse wielding a straight razor around his business, he'd best shave REALLY good, like from navel to knees, before he went in.

    My friend dutifully did just that, not yet understanding my penchant for practical jokes. When they pulled his gown aside on the table, this very hairy guy was utterly bare from navel to below the thighs, and both the surgeon and nurse began laughing so hard they could barely do the cutting.

    My ears are still ringing from the club upside the head he delivered the next week when he returned to the office.

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  13. Did you at least get your choice of a lollipop or cheap plastic toy after?

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    1. I chose the lollipop but I tell you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret not choosing the toy.

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  14. Count me among the people who have had children post horror, as you call it. And it's mine, dammit. Either that, or it's my clone's baby. (dah, dah, DAAH.)

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  15. Oohh I cannot relate to this at all....but when you said tugging I felt a bit sick, I guess we all have tubes..and they shouldn't be tugged!!!

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    1. Tubes are not for tugging. That should be a law or something.

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    2. You can't my little pirate, but I can! Did you say a vasectomy? You mean with a capital V?! "Ouch!" (That's my weiner talking. He's having a nightmare. About you know what with a capital V...) Anyweiners, a severe recurring pain doesn't does good. Local... local anesthesia? How local was.... (sorry now I passed out) It's terrible terrible is what it is (That's my inner weiner talking). But I hope everything's alright now. Would you do it again?

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    3. That is a good question. I think since I just had it done somewhat recently I haven't had much time to enjoy its benefits if you know what I mean. So I don't know yet.

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    4. Thank you. I knew I had it in me. But your story still makes me faint.

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  16. Sorry I haven't stopped by for so long... I sincerely miss your posts. I see you gents are still up the top-shelf writing and story telling as usual. Also, reading "accentuate the tugging feeling" made me nauseous.

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