Thursday, February 6, 2014

My Poor, Poor, Well-Adjusted Kids

Now I’m not here to debate whether growing up as a child believing geese are the ultimate rulers of the sky and heavens is a good thing or not. Also that expired medication are little gifts given to us by these geese gods, that can be exchanged for knowledge and baked goods, that without, one would certainly live a life of shame and horror.

No, I’m here to talk about my kid’s upbringing, not mine. My concern is that my kids might be too well-adjusted. Don’t get me wrong, being well-adjusted is a good thing (I’m assuming) but all truly great artists seem to have had a troubling past and/or upbringing.

For example, Kurt Cobain had a troubled childhood that carried over into his career and he has now a legend. And then there was that ballet girl from the movie “The Swan” that was the lead ballet-er. She was raised by a crazy mom.

Those are really the only examples I have but I think that’s enough science to prove I’m right.

I feel like if my kids are too well-adjusted I’m pretty much throwing any chance they have at becoming great artists down the toilet.

On a scale of very concerned to severely concerned, how concerned should I be about this?

Pat:  Wait! I’m going to admit that my senses might be a little blurred, as I’m a coupla’ beers into the evening and I ate some leftover Quinoa of questionable age, but...I am REALLY struggling to understand your first paragraph. I’ve read it multiple time, backwards, forwards, upside-down and with my eyes closed, and it STILL isn’t sending a lot of sense my way. It makes me worry about you a little bit. Is everything okay?

Still...I think I get what you’re getting at. And, yeah, I worry a bit about my own kids’ respective adjustments. They’re just too damn balanced and stable. I’ve thought about driving them out to the woods, shoving them outta’ the car, and telling them to hoof it back home on their own. Struggle to survive. Face their demons. Builds character, y’know.

They might not appreciate it now, but they’ll thank me later. Right?

Christian: I don’t understand what you don’t understand about my first paragraph. Did you not spend part of your childhood believing that the world was run by magical geese that gave us expired medications that you could use to learn knowledge and then exchange for food?

They’re trying to figure whether or not they are looking into a mirror.
The red eyes means they’re magical.

Pat:  No. I didn’t.

And we don’t need to go into it here, but I really don’t care for geese.

How, exactly, do they relate to your kids and their respective levels of adjustment?

Christian: They don’t, which makes me wonder why you keep talking about them. Just forget about the expired medication toting magical geese Pat. Let them go.

Moving on.

So you’re suggesting abandoning my kids somewhere in the woods? Are you thinking some place like this:


Pat: That’s terrifying. For reasons we don’t need to go into right now. Don’t ever EVER take your kids to such a place.

Christian: What? Why? What’s wrong with it?

Pat:  The fertilizer, man! Don’t you know what it takes to keep a lawn green like that. Tons of chemicals, that’s what. Chemicals that will seep into the toddler flesh of your childrens’ unshod feet and into their bloodstream, poisoning them slowly and resulting in an inhumanely long and painful death.

Jesus, man...I just suggested you help them experience nature a little bit, not ABUSE them!  

Oh...I get it. It’s not the geese that terrify me. That’s what you were thinking, right?

Christian: So exposing them to chemically charged manure isn’t going to make them artistically gifted? This parenting thing is hard.

So abandoning them in the woods should do the trick? The woods seem so far away though. Can I just abandon them at a Carls Jr. instead?

Pat:  Maybe. Come to think of it, I think you’re right. You might end up with a result the OPPOSITE of what you were hoping for.

For example, I wanted my children to grow up with a love and appreciation of nature, so I would frequently bundle them up, load them into the car, and drive to a place where we could trod along a trail of some sort, usually two miles or so, and occasionally uphill.

Hiking is great, right? Builds character, right? Feeds the soul, right?

Well, it might, but my kids sure don’t think so. In fact, anytime they hear the words, “Hey kiddos, I have an idea…” come out of my mouth, they make up far-fetched excuses to suddenly do anything BUT hang out with me. In the woods. On a trail.

Carls Jr. might just do it!


Christian: OK good. Carls Jr. it is.

I just want to make sure my kids to grow up to be like Kurt Cobain. Minus the heroin addiction. And suicide. And most importantly, the marriage to Courtney Love.

44 comments:

  1. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll screw up your kids somehow, probably without even realizing it. But if you want to take an active hand in mentally bruising them in a way that makes them more artistic, just let them--neigh--force them to read this blog.
    If geese are gods, they are cruel, vengeful gods. What other type of god would defecate on its minions or savagely attack them when they run out of bread?

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    Replies
    1. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll screw up your kids somehow".

      Thank you. That means a lot.

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    2. Oh god! I know I'll need to deal with it at some point, but as of now, if the blog is on my computer and the kids come near, I scramble stumblebumedly to quit the browser and close my computer, just like if my wife walked in while I was looking at freaky Eastern-European bureaucracy-fetish porn. If I looked at porn, that is.

      Delete
  2. My wonderful gifted polite (cough-cough) children are ridiculously well-adjusted. It makes me think I am a failure as a parent of a future artist. I mean, look at Van Gogh! He chopped off his ear! And that is what makes him a great artist. There is no way either one of my kids would do that (mostly because they despise pain). Therefore, neither one will be Picasso or Matisse, or even Tim Burton. This is my cross to bear.

    As for Carl's Jr-- that was my first job when I was 16. I was the drive-thru girl. And, yes, MANY MANY people abandoned their children there (it was tricky shoving them through the drive-thru window, but they somehow managed).

    xxo
    MOV

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    Replies
    1. You can abandon them through the drive-thru?!?!?! And all this time I've been getting out of my car and going inside to abandon them like a chump.

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    2. Does it function kind of like a cat door?

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  3. I am pretty sure mine may not even be able to survive, let alone thrive, in the wild. Wait, could that angst make them artsy? How about if they brought their violin and viola with them...

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    1. It would probably help to have them bring their violin and viola. They could use them to fight off bears.

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    2. I just imagined stumbling upon two small children, each with a stringed instrument, while deep in the woods, and found myself as terrified as when I first saw those freaky twin girls in the hotel hallway in "The Shining".

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  4. Don't worry, children always find a way to find struggle in life. If you really want to screw them up, wait until they ask you to buy something for them. For example, say they want some cartoon movie. Don't get them the recently released cartoon movie straight out of theaters on special edition Blu-Ray; instead, get them the plagiarized, low-budget cartoon version of the movie that usually floods gas stations just before the actual movie's release. That'll give them the passion they need to make it big.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But a gas station is where I found my copy of "Surf Nazis Battle Cyclopsasaurus III" What are you saying?

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    2. Kinda' like when I promised them a puppy for their birthdays, and then said, "just kiddin'!"

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  5. I've been blaming my parents lately for not screwing me up badly enough to give me drive. I watch "Behind the Music": It takes some childhood trauma to give people the drive to do something amazing.

    Which explains why I am mostly proud of myself for getting on both socks this morning.

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  6. I think hitting kids is the answer. It never did me any harm.

    *neck spasms kick in as I start honking like a derranged moose*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So you're suggesting I hit my kids with a moose huh? Sounds like it could work. Can I get a moose at Home Depot?

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  7. Here's what you do: I'm sure there's at least three new versions of the iPhone set to hit stores before the summer. No matter how much they beg don't buy your kids a single one of of them. That should be enough to traumatize them into artistic greatness.

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately neither of my kids have ever had any kind of iDevice and neither one of them are showing any signs of artistic greatness. I mean no signs. Zero.

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  8. The key to getting to a kid is through their friends. Wait until your kid's friends are all over, then walk into the room wearing nothing but whitey tighties, loafers, and really, really high socks and ask if you can hang out with them. Bonus points if you use really awful slang, like, "What's the haps, bros? Isn't this shindig cray cray?"

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    1. I went even further and invited all of their friends over for a sleepover playdate...but I DIDN'T invite my own kids. Whose friends are they NOW?

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  9. Never mind all that, let's get back to the expired meds! When may I expect shipment???

    Pearl

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    Replies
    1. It depends. When was the last time you prayed to the geese gods?

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    2. I just found some expired laudanum between the studs in the basement. Want some?

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  10. I just made the 18yo boy that wanted to "hang out" with my 15 year old daughter take a driving test with me. THAT should screw her up enough, right? The total humiliation of my caring? Or my refusal to buy her thongs. Or that I just don't care if she whines because she doesn't have a phone... wait! Maybe she will be an awesome artist!! Right!! I'm totally screwing her up!! Yes. I am SO WINNING.

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    Replies
    1. Is there a way I can prevent my kids from ever becoming teenagers? Please.

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    2. Did you ask him to define "statutory"?

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  11. It's very sweet and compassionate to worry about not messing your kids up. You need not worry, though. I've been following this blog for long enough to assure you that it's impossible that offspring of yours are perfectly normal.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I know you're just trying to make us feel better but I'm still concerned.

      Delete
  12. I have no kids so I don't think I have the experience to help with this. However, my art teacher always said great artist where gifted and insane....she may also have mentioned I got the insane down....or the gifted...no think it was the insane. So maybe just drive your kids a little crazy, no wait i mean nurture their talents?

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    1. Well I would say you've definitely got the talent part down. So if you are lucky, you're also insane.

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    2. I acted too hastily upon reading the beginning of your comment and just bought my kids the entire discography of Insane Clown Posse. I don't think that's what you suggested.

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  13. Well-balanced is boring. But I might be biased.

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    1. Blue! Welcome back! And I totally agree, well-balanced is boring.

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    2. True! And that's why I set my sights on "poorly balanced"!

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    3. Yes, I'm back. Was nearly blind for a couple of months, but now I can keep my eye on you fellas onces again. ;)

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  14. Hey guys, I'm sorry that you're still concerned. To add insult to injury: I think you're silly, warm, heartfelt goofballs.

    And please drop by to reduce your entry to 20 words. It's hilarious, and I don't want to have to disqualify you. Other entrants surely agonized over which 20 words to use.

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. This feels like an invite to a bit of competition. I never learned how to approach competition in a well-adjusted manner. Help, Christian!

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  15. You can save a lot of gas money by just being mean to them.

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    Replies
    1. But again, that will take some effort. I'm looking for a no effort solution here.

      Delete
  16. I know exactly what you mean. About kids, not the magical geese, but mayhaps if I have one more Sudafed and SoCo I'll know zactly what youre talkin' 'bout Willis.
    Once in awhile I make sure to leave my kids with my insane mother, that definitely toughens them up. Partly because she doesn't believe in changing diapers, but you know, whatever doesn't kill you....

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  17. Your blogs and its stuff magnetize me to return again n again. Ol-Sync Relationships

    ReplyDelete