My Poor, Poor, Well-Adjusted Kids

Now I’m not here to debate whether growing up as a child believing geese are the ultimate rulers of the sky and heavens is a good thing or not. Also that expired medication are little gifts given to us by these geese gods, that can be exchanged for knowledge and baked goods, that without, one would certainly live a life of shame and horror.

No, I’m here to talk about my kid’s upbringing, not mine. My concern is that my kids might be too well-adjusted. Don’t get me wrong, being well-adjusted is a good thing (I’m assuming) but all truly great artists seem to have had a troubling past and/or upbringing.

For example, Kurt Cobain had a troubled childhood that carried over into his career and he has now a legend. And then there was that ballet girl from the movie “The Swan” that was the lead ballet-er. She was raised by a crazy mom.

Those are really the only examples I have but I think that’s enough science to prove I’m right.

I feel like if my kids are too well-adjusted I’m pretty much throwing any chance they have at becoming great artists down the toilet.

On a scale of very concerned to severely concerned, how concerned should I be about this?

Pat:  Wait! I’m going to admit that my senses might be a little blurred, as I’m a coupla’ beers into the evening and I ate some leftover Quinoa of questionable age, but...I am REALLY struggling to understand your first paragraph. I’ve read it multiple time, backwards, forwards, upside-down and with my eyes closed, and it STILL isn’t sending a lot of sense my way. It makes me worry about you a little bit. Is everything okay?

Still...I think I get what you’re getting at. And, yeah, I worry a bit about my own kids’ respective adjustments. They’re just too damn balanced and stable. I’ve thought about driving them out to the woods, shoving them outta’ the car, and telling them to hoof it back home on their own. Struggle to survive. Face their demons. Builds character, y’know.

They might not appreciate it now, but they’ll thank me later. Right?

Christian: I don’t understand what you don’t understand about my first paragraph. Did you not spend part of your childhood believing that the world was run by magical geese that gave us expired medications that you could use to learn knowledge and then exchange for food?

They’re trying to figure whether or not they are looking into a mirror.

The red eyes means they’re magical.

(source)

Pat:  No. I didn’t.

And we don’t need to go into it here, but I really don’t care for geese.

How, exactly, do they relate to your kids and their respective levels of adjustment?

Christian: They don’t, which makes me wonder why you keep talking about them. Just forget about the expired medication toting magical geese Pat. Let them go.

Moving on.

So you’re suggesting abandoning my kids somewhere in the woods? Are you thinking some place like this:

(source)

Pat: That’s terrifying. For reasons we don’t need to go into right now. Don’t ever EVER take your kids to such a place.

Christian: What? Why? What’s wrong with it?

Pat:  The fertilizer, man! Don’t you know what it takes to keep a lawn green like that. Tons of chemicals, that’s what. Chemicals that will seep into the toddler flesh of your childrens’ unshod feet and into their bloodstream, poisoning them slowly and resulting in an inhumanely long and painful death.

Jesus, man...I just suggested you help them experience nature a little bit, not ABUSE them!  

Oh...I get it. It’s not the geese that terrify me. That’s what you were thinking, right?

Christian: So exposing them to chemically charged manure isn’t going to make them artistically gifted? This parenting thing is hard.

So abandoning them in the woods should do the trick? The woods seem so far away though. Can I just abandon them at a Carls Jr. instead?

Pat:  Maybe. Come to think of it, I think you’re right. You might end up with a result the OPPOSITE of what you were hoping for.

For example, I wanted my children to grow up with a love and appreciation of nature, so I would frequently bundle them up, load them into the car, and drive to a place where we could trod along a trail of some sort, usually two miles or so, and occasionally uphill.

Hiking is great, right? Builds character, right? Feeds the soul, right?

Well, it might, but my kids sure don’t think so. In fact, anytime they hear the words, “Hey kiddos, I have an idea…” come out of my mouth, they make up far-fetched excuses to suddenly do anything BUT hang out with me. In the woods. On a trail.

Carls Jr. might just do it!

I promise to pay for any and all therapy this will require.

Christian: OK good. Carls Jr. it is.

I just want to make sure my kids to grow up to be like Kurt Cobain. Minus the heroin addiction. And suicide. And most importantly, the marriage to Courtney Love.

It's All Downhill From Here

Pat, you appear to know what you’re talking about some of the time. I was hoping you could answer something for me. For the past few years, for some unknown reason, I have become very consciously aware anytime I use the phrase “It’s all downhill from here”.  Meaning anytime I use that phrase I immediately think to myself “Oh hey I’m using that phrase again.”

This over awareness has caused me to constantly second guess my actual use of it. It’s gotten to the point where I’m getting concerned I’m not using it correctly. Which is what I’m hoping you can help me out with.

Now, if we were standing on top of a hill and I point down the hill and say “It’s all downhill from here” I understand that. Using the phrase metaphorically is what I’m stumbling with.

But before I get further into the specifics I was hoping you could first use it in a phrase yourself. Metaphorically that is. No stealing my standing on top of a hill example. The reason I want you to use it first is because I’m concerned that after I explain all the nuances of it, you too will become overwhelmed, confused, and will also start second guessing yourself. Therefore we need an untainted example that we can go back to as a reference in case you go off the deep end.

Ok go.

Pat:  No problem, buddy...I’ve got this one!

“It’s all downhill from here? Then where are we going, exactly? Because I assume that we’re going to get back to where we started, and if that’s the case, then I want to know EXACTLY how much downhill we’re going to have to endure, as the laws of physics dictate that there will be an equal amount of UPhill to get back to ground zero, and I’m not too keen on lots of uphill. So, if it’s not too much to ask and all, could you please tell me exactly how much goddamned downhill you’re talking about before I commit myself to going with you?!”

Is that what you were talking about? If so, then it’s all downhill from here.

Christian: Yes and no. Your long-winded quoted paragraph was completely wrong. However you made up for in that last sentence. In this example you used it to imply things will be easy from here on out. Which is correct. But can’t that exact phrase also mean things are going to be getting worse from here on out?

For example. Godfrey has an unsustainable gambling problem that he has kept from his family and work but he just got arrested for holding up a Toys R Us. It looks like it’s all downhill from here for Godfrey.

This is correct too, no?

Pat:  Yeah. But I think you’re both right. Or...you’re right both times.

See, Godfrey’s life is certainly going to go downhill after robbing the toy store. What with the courts, and the jail, and the inmates and all. Kinda’ sucks to be Godfrey.

But it will also be getting a bit easier, no? I mean, look at our criminal justice system. Will Godfrey have to work and pay taxes anymore? Will Godfrey have to buy food or cook for himself anymore? Will Godfrey have to bathe or exercise or mow the lawn or fix his car or watch his daughter grow up and go out with skeezy guys?

Life’s looking up for Godfrey I’d say!

Christian: But herein lies my problem. It has the two meanings and I have put so much over-thinking into this that I’m now having trouble using the phrase at all. Let me give you real life example from my historic past that I’m sure will cause you to always second guess yourself when using this phrase for rest of your life.

I was helping some friends move. Moving is naturally stressful but this particular move did not go well at all for the family. Once we were finally done I could tell that one of the move-ee’s was particularly bummed so I said to her, “Don’t worry it’s all downhill from here.”

Was this a good, reassuring thing to say at this moment, or was I a complete ass?

Pat:  Is it possible that you were both? A reassuring asshole? ‘Cause I think that’s probably how she’s thinking of you right now. You might want to ask.

I don’t know...this seems like a tough one.

Know what I do in situations like these? Make shit up. Really. ‘Cause I’ve learned that as long as you say things with confidence, and back it up with a snide and disapproving smirk and eye roll upon questioning, people will assume you know what you’re talking about and pretty much buy anything.

For example, one time I was riding on a train through Italy, it was late at night, I was tired from a day’s adventure, and my travel mates would not stop pestering me. So I puffed my sleepy self up, got all annoyed looking, and barked at them, “If you both don’t knock it off, I’m gonna’ content, man(s)!”

I don’t know what I was saying, but you know what? Those two travel mates sure backed down.  I have that pretty intimidating appeal sometimes.

So...yeah. Try making something up. Like, “Man, those prunes sure are the pitted variety!” You’ll be surprised.

Christian: Hold the telefono (Italian for phone) Pat. I just happen to know those travel mates of yours from Italy because I was one of them. And I seem to recall after you screamed, “I’m gonna’ content,” we did become silent but it was because we couldn’t figure out what you were saying.

Granted we were considering the fact that you did indeed say something that made sense and were going to let it slide but then we decided to call you on it and ask what the hell you were talking about. And as I’m sure you recall your response was “You know. I’m going to content from you guys bothering me. Like when they warn you on propane tanks, ‘contents under pressure’.”

Ha ha. You thought “contents” was a verb!

Pat:  Shut up. It works.

(goddammit...I hate when he does this...it makes me want to content all over again!)

I think, after that last comment, good sir, that our blog future is all downhill from here.

Figure THAT one out, you prune pitter!

Christian: I can’t. That’s the problem. I think the phrase “it is all downhill from here” will forever be one of the Universe’s greatest unsolved mysteries. Like gravity or why you have to double the amount of cooking time when microwaving two frozen burritos instead of just one.