Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Sorry State of Sorry

Pat, are you familiar with that board game “Sorry” where you draw cards and move little witnesses to mob crimes around a board trying to get them all into a safe house? This game:

Is it just me or does this image seem slightly crooked?
It’s making me feel kind of dizzy.

Pat: I remember that game! It’s connected to the mob? Really? Weird...I always assumed it was part of a Soviet training regimen designed to get people comfortable with the slow pace of inconsequential activities. I guess we’re all wrong some of the time.

Why do you ask?

Christian: Maybe it was just me that added the witness to mob crimes aspect to it. Anyways, this game was one of my favorites when I was a youth/in my twenties/thirties/now. However my five year old recently received this game as a gift. A brand new version.

It had some odd optional fire and ice things and rules that you can add to the game if you want to spice it up. Which of course I immediately threw down the garbage disposal. The game is perfect as it is. Everyone knows this.

Strictly out of curiosity though, I read the rules to know what these fire and ice abominations were all about. But I quickly learned that not only did they add these stupid fire and ice things/rules but they changed some of the core rules to the game! For example traditionally to leave your start circle you had to draw a one or a two. But nowadays you just have to draw a positive number. It’s almost impossible not to do this. What the pansy fuck?

Someone told me that at some point Parker Brothers changed the rules to some of their old school games to speed them up. By making these games easier I’m concerned we are raising a generation of weak sissies.   

On a scale of terrifyingly concerned to there is no limit to the amount of concern I should have, how concerned should we be?

Pat:  Fire and ice, eh? Just got some of that myself. Heh heh heh.


And I don’t know what the pansy fuck, Christian. Do you think they might be trying to speed up the games in an effort to get kids bored with them sooner so that they buy more and more games? If so, that seems pretty sneaky, sis! (game pun!)

Christian: I don’t know what their game (pun!) is. All I know is that they have ruined Sorry.

In addition to the start rules they also changed how the 8 sliders along the sides of the Sorry board work. Back in my day you could only slide down a slider that was the same color as you. And we loved it.

Nowadays the sliders are multi-colored which means anyone of any color can slide down them. I prefer the old days when they segregated people by color... Wait a second…

Pat: Bigot.

But sliders got me thinking about two things:

1.  Slider burgers. Who invented those little, fucking annoying finger-burgers? And why the hell do we call them “sliders”? Where are they sliding to or from, besides from my index finger and thumb to my gullet in far too small a bite? Stupid finger-burgers!



2. Chutes and Ladders, ‘cause I used to think about how much fun it would be to slide down all those slides, ESPECIALLY the one that took you from way up near the top, where you were almost winning, to way down at the bottom, where you were guaranteed to lose. And it bummed me out, because I was smart enough to know that the goal of the game was to get to the top, but I was also smarter enough to know that who the fuck wants to spend all their energy climbing ladders when they could be zipping down slides? And then I would lose.  


Christian: So what I’m hearing here is that you found the old school games difficult and would prefer them to be dumbed down. And that you don’t understand small hamburgers.

Is this what you’re saying?

Pat: I didn’t find them difficult so much as disappointing. The games, that is (but, actually, I suppose it’s true for the burgerettes as well). I understood that they were about competition and winning and ambition, but I just don’t didn’t have any of those qualities or desires. So, yeah...I tended to suck at old school games. I guess I kinda’ suck at new school games, too. You’re not going to invite me over for game night anytime soon, are you?

Christian: Don’t worry Pat, that wasn’t going to happen anyways.

So you have no opinion about Parker Brothers changing the rules to their games? Great. You are aware that this blog is called Point Counter-Point Point Point. The points mean point of views.

Pat: Right. Oh yes. I disagree with you wholeheartedly!

(yawn)

I can’t believe you would even think such an inane thing!

(yawn)

What the pansy fuck is the world coming to, Christian, when you can just willy-nilly have insane ideas about very important things like the one you just had!?

That better?

Christian: Yes, but you are completely wrong. Just wait. 20 years from now when we get invaded by Canada, our future sissy soldiers - who grew up playing easy to play and everyone “wins” type board games - won’t stand a chance against Canada’s strong willed horse mounted Army Mounties. You might as well get used to putting maple syrup on everything now Pat.

31 comments:

  1. No doubt games are getting easier, and that includes video games. "Press Start To Begin". Piece of piss! Give me a challenge, like "Press A, Square, Banana, and sing all 17 verses of the Uzbekistan National Anthem To Continue".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know. Because I'm always like "Where's the damn begin button!?"

      Delete
  2. Sorry, but Sorry was terrible. It was an exercise in frustration. Your nostalgia may be hazing your rational memory of just how awful that unskilled, futile game-of-luck used to be and probably still is. Now Trouble, there is a game of skill. Only the most adept could properly manipulate that popomatic bubble.

    ReplyDelete
  3. There is only one slider. Everyone knows this, and that slider is White Castle. Why? Because they're steamed, it's 2:00 a.m., and you are drunk.

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When Pat mentioned sliders I did a little googling and learned about White Castle etc. Interesting. And how did you know I'm drunk?

      Delete
  4. You do NOT change the rules of a perfect game. SORRY! And I suppose you are no longer to call out sorry when you throw that card. S O R R Y!! That was the best part. As to sliders you are right on. Never had them never will. Also never had White Castle, but then I never partied with Pearl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think there was also something in there about recommending you wear a helmet while playing.

      Delete
  5. Ah yes. SORRY was indeed the ultimate game of ruthless murder and revenge. At least, that's how my family played it. The word SOOORRRRYYY would ring out with so much sarcasm dripping from it, that we pretty much ended up slipping in a puddle of sarcasm and bitterness after the game was over. Why would you ever want to change such a long tradition of family game night being an excuse to air out all of your suppressed rage on unsuspecting family members? Isn't that the whole point of board games?

    Do you know what old board game popped into my head as I read this post? Hi-Ho Cherry-O. It's been FORVER since I've even seen that game. Does it even exist anymore?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man I haven't thought about Hi-Ho Cherry-O since I was a kid. I so much wanted to eat those plastic little cherries.

      Delete
    2. This game still exists for poor people, as all the Goodwills are filled with them. My 2 yr old wants to eat the cherries also, so this game is usually hidden, and probably heading back to Goodwill soon.

      Delete
  6. I never played SORRY! probably because I didn't go to boarding school, so I can't really comment on that.

    But if you sold t-shirts with "what the pansy fuck??" on them I would buy several. 10,000 points for Christian and 7 for Pat because little hamburgers are stupid unless they're from Krystal (the southern cousin of White Castle).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Krystal? There is so much more to this little hamburger lifestyle that I have yet to learn.

      Delete
  7. I am so SORRY to hear this!!! I had barely gotten over the changes to the game of LIFE. Slides > ladders...agreed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did they mess with LIFE too? Although to be honest I don't know if I have ever played LIFE like it was intended. As a kid I just drove the little cars around the board like it was a race track.

      Delete
  8. I hate it when people change core rules. Pepsi doesn't taste the same either. It's called reinventing the wheel at a lower cost. Sliders slide down your throat. It's really disgusting. They don't even care to ask your permission or say.... Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like how even though the post is about SORRY everyone is chiming in on sliders. I like to think this is what PCPPP is all about.

      Delete
  9. Sorry! was all a lot of kids I know could handle. Fire & Ice can block sperm, bit I'm not learning new rules to a simple game. Nice Connect Four commercial reference, one of my fave 80's jokes.
    "I win!"
    "Where I can't--"
    "Here DIAGONALLY."
    You get the picture.
    My old man told me they're called sliders at White Castle because they slide right out into the toilet. 5 minutes after they slide down your throat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just to be clear. The new version of SORRY! does not come with any condoms.

      Delete
  10. You raise good points, Christian, but I like maple syrup. I'm going to have to sLide with Pat on this one. SORRY.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I hope you like maple syrup on your sliders (<- this actually sounds delish!)

      Delete
  11. Like Joy Christi, I always heard them called sliders because they slide right out of your ass immediately after eating.

    Parker Brothers changed the rules to speed up some of their games? Can we get someone to do that with Risk? I have a game from 2007 that's going strong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still have a game going, on a board that doesn't have the Americas on it because they hadn't been discovered yet.

      Delete
  12. I never really played board games. Except... we had Chutes and Ladders, I think. And Trivial Pursuit. And the one where you tried to pick up WC Field's funny bone without getting electrocuted.

    That was a game, right?

    I suppose they're in steep competition with video games now. It's tough to keep kids' attention on rolling dice or something when they can be off killing a virtual prostitute or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The one single thing I did think that could improve SORRY was the addition of killing virtual prostitutes.

      Delete
  13. I already pour maple syrup on everything. Including my games. You wouldn't believe how much more fun naked Twister is when you include a healthy portion of maple syrup. Also I love Sorry, but mostly with clothes on. Also, also, naked drunk trivial pursuit is awesome, with or without syrup. Also, also, also, if you play naked drunk Trivial Pursuit you should make sure every one knows you are playing naked drunk Trivial Pursuit and not just regular Trivial Pursuit, and that the people you are playing with are not your pastor and the local magistrate. Just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Isn't Sorry the one where you can choose to ruin other peoples' progress, and then, you say, "Sorry!", like the name of the game? I am similar to Pat in that I just don't have that competitive, cutthroat approach and this game made me uncomfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My husband is still mourning the "new" Life game. We've had it now for almost 15 years. It's going well.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have found that kids today are not really fond of board games, since they can't play them on some sort of screen, so I get why the manufacturers would change things up to make them more enticing. But honestly, I don't care what the rules are, I always played by the rules I wanted to, anyway, so it doesn't matter. It used to drive my brother crazy. All the more reason!

    ReplyDelete