I like kids. Really. They can be cute. (they can NOT be cute too...there are some UGLY kids out there!) And I get it...they’re innocent. Fine.But I feel a certain self-righteousness and privilege when it comes to criticising kids, due in large part to my job. I have chosen, for reasons that are still sometimes unclear to me, to immerse myself in the worlds and lives and smells of kids for roughly eight hours a day.
Pat: It has begun, Christian. The season of the devil. Have you been plagued by his darkness’ minions? We were. Twice this weekend. He left us with orders for four boxes of cookies. Thin Mints and the new Dulce de Leche, to be precise.
Who knew that evil could look so cute in braided pigtails?
Christian: I for one welcome our new cookie peddling overlords. I can never remember what they are called, but those peanut butter and chocolate girl scout cookies are to die for! I usually end up buying more and more each year. I’m guessing after I purchase my order for 47 boxes this year, I’ll have put a few of those scouts through college.
You can’t be telling me you’re against Girl Scout cookie season? There could not possibly be anything negative about it.
OK, this is negative.
Pat: That’s PRECISELY what I’m telling you. Adorable do-gooder girls? Fine. Munch-tastic cookies? Okay. Frat boy fantasy uniforms (apparently)? Whatever.
But, yes, I am here to say, in the face of all philanthropic love and adoration, that I dread Girl Scout Cookie Season. Cookies that aren’t that good being shoved in my face, with an extra helping of shame and guilt if I even THINK of not buying them. Who needs it? Certainly not us, fellow member of Fatlandia!
Leave me be, Satan.
If that’s not enough, here’s the peach who started baking those treats. You telling me you’re gonna’ trust HER with your sweet tooth?
Is that a samoa or a pentagram on your lapel, ma’am?
Christian: I’m sorry but you lost me at “Cookies that aren’t that good...” and then again at “...think of not buying them”. Have you not tried the peanut butter and chocolate ones I mentioned above? I think they’re called Peanut Butter Cocaine Delights or something like that.* They are fantastic! And according to the independent studies I’ve done in my kitchen, they are good for your heart (maybe) and go great with red wine (definitely).
Plus, doesn’t the money they get for the cookies go towards good causes like supporting cancer and fighting the homeless? Nothing wrong with that.
I don’t care whether or not that dude in the old-timey hat is wearing a samoa, a pentagram, or both. If he’s the one that started the Girl Scouts and created their wonderful cookies, then he can wear whatever he wants.
There are no downsides to Girl Scout cookie season.
Pat: Good points...and you’re right. While not actually male, Juliette Gordon Low does not exactly look like someone you’d be excited to snuggle up against. Or like someone you’d willingly accept cookies from.
Upon further research and investigation, however, it turns out that she was quite the progressive. She advocated for all sorts of girly things...kinda’ like the original Riot Grrrl (how many ‘r’s go into that one, exactly?), and was even praised/demonized for her advocacy for her rightful inheritance of her husband’s fortune upon his death (selfish bastard...left his fortune to his MISTRESS! Whore...no samoas for you!).
And, nowadays, it turns out the Girl Scouts advocate for all sorts of things--gender equality, gay rights, economic equality. In other words, they’re progressive hippie chicks in boring green uniforms. Hard to argue with that!
Still...I stand firm by my statement that their cookies are not that good and make our country unnecessarily fat.
Christian: OK, I’m just going to go ahead and state the obvious fact here: YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED THE PEANUT BUTTER AND CHOCOLATE ONES. Because if you had you would realize how ridiculous you sound.
Yes, maybe some of the other kinds are not that great - I don’t know, because it has been forever since I’ve tried any other than my buttery dark mistresses, the confusingly named Tagalongs**. But just because some of their cookies are sub-par doesn’t mean we should call an end to Girl Scout Cookie season. I just put up my Girl Scout Cookie tree and lights for pete’s sake.
I’m sure Michaelangelo churned out some duds in his lifetime, but that doesn’t mean his whole body of work, including the Sistine Chapel (which is the Tagalongs in this metaphor), should be discounted.
For example- I did a google search for some of Michaelangelo’s works and found this:
But using your logic, since this Turtle-man phase he was in wasn’t that great, we should just go ahead and duct tape up the whole Sistine Chapel and put in some skylights, right?
Pat: What? You lost me...but it was more because I was fixated on your Tagalongs. I’ve had them. And, yes, they’re good. But there was something else that bothered me about them and I couldn’t remember what it was.
But then I looked again at Michaelangelo’s sketch--with all of those turtles crammed into one picture--and it reminded me of Thin Mints, the one Girl Scout cookie I will even consider purchasing. You know why? VALUE! Your Tagalongs are good, but you only get about 3 ½ of them per box. For the same $4.00, you get like 78 Thin Mints. Who the hell do they think they are, so blatantly ripping off the public like that?
Why not just buy some ‘Nilla Wafers, a jar of peanut butter, and some chocolate sauce and make
your own, like this person did:
Christian: Good point. You’re right. I should up it 67 boxes this year.
* I eventually had to go and Google it and apparently they are called Tagalongs, which I don’t understand.
** I’m serious here. Can anyone tell me why they are called this?