Thursday, January 3, 2013

Why, Yes, I Think I WILL Follow My Dreams!

I’ve routinely annoyed my wife over the past few years by reminding her that, if she ever finds herself at a loss for Christmas or birthday gift ideas, I will gladly accept a gift certificate for lessons for either Marimba or Taiko drums. Kinda’ joking, but kinda’ serious. Like when I make fun of other guys wearing tank tops (when really I wish that I could wear them too).

Little did I know that my mother-in-law caught wind of my secret desire to learn how to pound wooden planks with big mallets. On my last birthday, she surprised me with two lessons with a marimba teacher.

At first I smiled, and said “thank you”.

Then, realizing how ridiculous marimbas and their players are, I guffawed and laughed. Maybe even chortled.

Then I thought about the possibility that I could actually unabashedly pursue a lifelong dream, eschewing the fear of appearing like a total dork.

So I did it! And I think my life may have changed.

Christian, have you ever pursued such a lifelong dream?

Pat? Not yet...but you just wait!

Christian: The other week I had a dream where I could instantaneously spawn a taco in my hand whenever I wanted to but then I was suddenly in my second grade teacher Mrs. Lawrence’s classroom, but was still an adult. She kept calling on me to spell “Guggenheim” which I couldn’t get right but then I woke up so I went and looked it up and figured out how to spell it.

Is this what you’re talking about?

Pat: No. Not at all. Are you on that anxiety medication again? If so, let me know if there’s anything I can do.

No...a dream, like when you want to do something with your life more than what you’re doing. ‘Cause you feel...inadequate, I guess. THAT kind of dream.

Christian: Oh. No, the only dream I had to fulfill to make myself feel adequate with my life - as you put it - is giving up on all those other kind of dreams that you’re talking about. And I think I’m almost to the point of fully accepting that none of my life dreams are going to come true which makes me feel alot better about things. That and alcohol.

But tell me more about these marimba dreams of yours. How many lessons have you had?

Pat:  Well, I had exactly two. And in those two lessons I learned that I, apparently, possess super marimba skills. So, really, those two lessons for me were like twenty three lessons for a common marimba player like you.

Y’ know, when you’re good at something, you just gotta’ hop on that horse and see where it takes you, whether to the pasture or to greener fields. I think I got lost in an analogy there.

Anyway...I like it. I haven’t invested in a dashiki yet, or taken a traditional Shona name, but I won’t rule either of those out.

Christian: Two huh? How is it that you know you have super marimba skills? Are you just assuming you have super marimba skills or has someone told you that you have super marimba skills?

For example, I have always felt that I have tremendous teeth brushing skills but no one has ever told me that so how do I know I’m right? Actually, I have never had a cavity so that’s how I know I’m right. So maybe that’s not a good example but you understand what I’m saying.

Pat:   Well, that’s easy. My teacher told me. His name was Kite, and he was really tall and REALLY skinny and kind of pale. And he wore sandals with his khakis, so you could really see his long toenails. And he had long thinning hair around the sides of his head, accentuating his balding dome. Kinda’ like Gallagher...remember him? And those crazy watermelons? That was funny.

So yeah...Kite said I was really good. And he would know. He’s like a marimba expert.

Christian: Kite sounds like an upstanding fellow and I guess he would know. So were the lessons at some professional studio? Were there other marimba prodigys taking lessons with you or did you take individual lessons?

Pat:  So many questions. Umm, no there were no other prodigies in the room. I was the only one. There were some lesbian women (not an assumption, by the way--they told me right off the bat) and a young kid. He really sucked. And the younger lesbian was better than the older lesbian.

In terms of the practice space, define “professional”. It was in Kite’s basement. I had to walk through a dark door, cross through the dark and damp basement, and enter a room on the other side.

Re-reading that last paragraph, I’m not sure I would recommend such lessons to my kids. Or take another one myself.

Still...in that dark basement room, surrounded by Kite, lesbians and untalented youth, I felt like I came alive. Like Frampton.

26 comments:

  1. Still not 100% sure what Marimba is. Is it a more complex Mambo? And by more complex I mean has more letters. I picture you in one of those Cuban shirts with four pockets on the front, khaki shorts, and aspirations to be really really high while you're doing it.
    Also, never admit to a dream of wearing a tank top. No one should be wearing a tank top ever. Dwayne The Rock Johnson shouldn't wear a tank top. All that accomplishes is giving douche bags the tan line appearance of wearing a bra.

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    1. But isn't that what makes a dream a dream, Ms. Pickle? Doing exactly what people tell you they don't think you can or should do? Maybe you should have told me I SHOULD wear them. I think they call that reverse apologies.

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    2. Dearest Pickelope,

      On behalf of myself and the entire PCPPP staff, I would like to apologize for Pat's incorrect assumption of your gender. We all know that your are a man's man. Believe me I should know. Wait that came out wrong. What I'm trying to say is that I'm very familiar with your manhood. No that's worse. Damnit I wish the backspace key worked on this computer.

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    3. Oops. Sorry. For what it's worth, I tend to use pronouns indiscriminately, as I am a completely gender neutral being. I mean, I have a gender, but I don't use it. Wait.

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  2. First, I am seriously impressed that someone would go to the trouble to fulfill your dream. Special lady.

    Second, your dream sounds like it would be best fulfilled with a full can of pepper spray in your pocket. Ellen

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    1. Totes safe, Ellen. Thanks for the tip though.

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  3. Did Kite say you were really good and that you only needed a few MORE lessons? Because that might mean he just wanted you to pay for more lessons.

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    1. No...I'm apparently the kind of good where he kinda' looked like HE might want to take lessons from ME. Like...prodigy good.

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  4. Wow! I have been so busy fretting over not achieving the, now seemingly lame, dreams I have. I would consider adding marimba to my list, but the pressure of your super awesome talent is intimidating!

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    1. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I have not heard Pat play the marimbas so we are having to take his word on how good he is. Also, I don't think Kite really exists. Just my two cents.

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  5. I went to a lady lesbian's percussion concert once, and she was so good on the marimba things that almost had dreams myself of becoming a lesbian. But I really don't want to go downtown, if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. For other people.

    Maybe Pat, you're real dream is to become a lesbian. How do you feel about going downtown with Kite?

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    1. I don't know. He seems like a bus rider, and when I go downtown I like to have a more precise exit strategy. Read into that all you want.

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  6. Have you ever seen the Malcolm in the Middle where Lois takes dance lessons, and her instructor tells her that she's SO GOOD it's time for her to 'graduate' to the next level with a new instructor but then she sees a video of herself and she looks like a giant slow witted turkey flapping around? Just wondering...;)

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    1. I have seen that episode and it too crossed my mind when Pat talked about his marimba skills. We need to record his playing!

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  7. Pat, I think you are rockstar for pursuing your Marimba dream. Also, now I want to have another child just so I can name him/her Kite.

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    1. I see no harm in just renaming one of you kids you already have to Kite. Or even both.

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  8. I've always felt like I'm an excellent blog commenter, and I've never even had a single lesson! Of course I've never had anyone tell me I was good at it, so who knows.

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    1. That's funny, I have always felt that I was very good at commenting on blog commenters' comments but have also never had anyone tell me so. Although to be fair, I have had a lot of lessons.

      P.S. You are very good at it.

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  9. I played marimba and other percussion keyboard instruments in high school. Marimba was my favorite, though the vibraphone was fun because of the pedal thing. I learned a marimba solo piece for a music scholarship given out by our local Kiwanis club, but I didn't get it, thanks to my friend David Brewer who was a genius at everything he tried (except sports). I haven't played in a really long time, but I still might challenge Pat to a marimba-off. Is that a thing? And Pat, if you ever get to take a taiko class I'll be so jealous! That looks like lots of fun. Wait, am I supposed to be capitalizing "Marimba" and "Taiko"?

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    1. I have a feeling you would marimba-off the hell out of Pat.

      And I think the first 'A' in marimba is supposed to be capitalized but it's a silent capitalization so you don't actually see it.

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  10. I've always wanted to take singing lessons but I don't want to torture any poor teacher.. though I'm sure they are used to it.
    I honestly had no idea that this form of drumming was known as marimba. I'm curious where the idea to do this came from? Not that I don't strongly support the pursuit of unusual pastimes.

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    1. Even though I've heard of marimbas before I still think Pat might be making all of it up. Including marimbas.

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  11. I have my own version of Kite, because they're always that guy with long thinning hair, khakis, and sandals, aren't they? Mine says I'm great at playing the guitar, and after listening to me butcher the same 3 chords over a 1 hour span, I'd be hard pressed to disagree with him. I'm pretty much Clapton.

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    1. Deep down I think we all have our own little version of Kite. Mine tells me to eat Oreos.

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  12. Waving your arms to turn on the lights. I'm still laughing.

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