Thursday, May 16, 2013

IV, V, VI, I, II, III or I, II, III, IV, V, VI

Parenting is hard. There is no absolute right way to do it and it’s filled with all kinds of challenges and decisions that need to be made.

But there’s one particular decision I need to make for my children that has been weighing on me for quite some time now. It’s a tough one that we all have to make at some point and its outcome can have grave and long lasting effects on our children. Pat’s children are older than mine so most likely he has already had to make this decision so I thought I would seek his advice.

Pat, which order should I have my kids watch the Star Wars movies in? Should I go with the original three then the new three, like we did since they were released that way, or should they watch them in chronological order of how the story goes thus watching the news ones first then the originals?

Pat:  My eyes are still kind of buggy from the title of this post, Christian. I thought I was doing an eye exam or something like it. Roman numerals? Really?

Umm...at the risk of offending Star Wars fans, do you even have to tell your kids that the three most recent films were even made? I mean, Iran almost got away with denying the Holocaust. I bet you could get away with a little historical revision. Besides, your kids are gonna’ have to find SOMETHING to hate you for. Why not this?

Christian: Hmmm... Not telling them about them you say? Interesting. I hadn’t thought about that. Is this what you did with your kids?

*dials first six digits of Child Protection Services, waits for Pat’s answer*

Pat:  Nope, they saw all of them, multiple times, in multiple orders. Had nothing to do with film appreciation or cultural collateral or being “with it”. It had everything to do with me and their mom needing a good three hours of peace and quiet so we could sleep/drink/makesweetsweetlove while avoiding parenting responsibilities. What do you think the chances of being walked in on asleep/drunk/makingsweetsweetlove are when they’ve got Jawas, Droids or JarJar keeping ‘em happy?

Christian: So which order did you have them initially watch the movies while you and your wife were having drunken sex while sleeping?

Pat:  Well, duh! That’s a no brainer! We went with the classic--and what should be mandated--IV, V, VI, I, II, III. Wait...I think. I’ve never been good with Roman numerals. We did “Star Wars”, and then went forward, and then I guess went backwards before going forwards again. Right? I mean, isn’t that how we all did it?

Just to be clear, I was talking about the movies, not about drunken sex. Re-reading the above, I realized that some of our readers might mistakenly think that my wife and I have some freaky sci-fi sexual fetishes.  


I think I’m going to get in trouble for talking about this stuff here, ‘cause my wife reads our blog. Yep...pretty sure I’m gonna’ get busted.

Christian: Are those waffles your wife that woman is holding? That’s weird. I don’t remember any waffles in the Star Wars movies. There must be a waffle character in the newer movies that I’m not remembering.

Anyways, I’m glad to hear you went with the traditional viewing order of IV, V, VI, I, II, III. To be honest, that was going to be the order I have my kids watch them regardless of what you had to say.

I feel the main reason, amongst many, for watching them in this order is so that the surprise and shock of learning that Darth Vader is Luke’s father can still be experienced. SPOILER ALERT! Oh wait, the SPOILER ALERT was probably supposed to go before I revealed Vader is Luke’s father. Oh well.

If you watch them in chronological order, by the time Luke is introduced you already know Vader is his father. Lame. That would be like watching the Sixth Sense already knowing Bruce Willis is dead. SPOILER ALERT! Dammit. Missed it again. Sorry.

So at what age did you finally let your kids watch them? According to my wife 6 months was too early so I have been waiting for a few years now.

Pat:  Geez, Christian...6 months is WAY too early. It has been scientifically tested and proven that kids’ brains at that age have no ability to even comprehend the power of a light saber over a blaster, so the whole premise is lost on them. Waste of time. Complete waste of time. You better start over.

We waited until our oldest was two and a half, and our youngest was just one half. Wait. That’s the same as 6 months, isn’t it. Shit. We do this ALL the time. I think she’s gonna’ be pretty screwed up. Oh well. Details.

Christian:  Don’t worry. As long as she can discuss the nuances of the Empire’s governmental control strategies over the various planets throughout the galaxy in online chatrooms while living in your basement as an adult, she’ll be just fine.

Just fine.

62 comments:

  1. As far as I am concerned there are only 3 movies! The old ones - I have never seen the new ones.

    Also I was introduced with around 3 and a half years...I turned out fine, just fine!

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    1. I might have to consider never mentioning the latest three to the kids. If they ask about them I'll just say they are part of the Lost in Space franchise.

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  2. Dude, come on, obviously the only rational order is IV, V, II, III, V, the Machete Order. (http://static.nomachetejuggling.com/machete_order.html) No one needs Episode I. There's no reason for it, and subjecting your child to it is tantamount to abuse.
    Also, I want to be friends with that guy because his fashion choices, combined with his hair and facial hair make him a true hero.

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    1. I meant IV, V, II, III, VI. I'm just a tad on the Jar Jar side of hungover (meaning, on the annoying side).

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    2. You know, when were wrapping up this post I realized I had completely forgotten about the Machete order. There are a lot of strong arguments for it that I like. But it might be the riskier choice when comparing to the original three followed by that last three. I'll have to do some more research.

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    3. You KNEW about Machete order? Is that something I'm supposed to know about? I'm feeling really uncool (again).

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  3. I hate to admit this-- but I hated the star wars movies. I sat through them all. IN the order of IV V VI and then I II III. And I still don't get it. Not any of it. And my kids haven't seen them yet. Poor things.

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    1. What's your address again? I'm going to be calling CPS who will be paying you a visit soon along with some nice gentlemen in white lab coats that would like to talk with you and take you to a nice safe place.

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    2. It's okay, Julie. I think you have to be a stinky pubescent boy in order to truly love the movies. Everyone else just likes George Lucas' hair.

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  4. I LOVE the beginning of this post, where you set me up to believe you were writing your will or something and trying to figure out who would be the guardians of your children in the event of your untimely demise. LOVED the set-up!

    And the rest of the blog was good too, but I went back and read the beginning. So, my point is, the beginning is better, so have your kids watch the movies IN THE ORDER THEY WERE MADE, and then go back and watch the first one again last (which is really number IV in Christian-World, right? so maybe I mean watch the middle last).

    Screw it. Watch them all out of order and then tell your kids to put the puzzle back together in their minds.

    xxo
    MOV

    and what do you mean Bruce Willis is dead?????????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christian thinks he recently became clairvoyant as a future-reader. He tried to convince me that Cheap Trick is going to explode onstage when they play a reunion show at Budokan, too. Likely story.

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  5. I watched them in the IV, V, VI, Space Balls, I, II, III fashion, as well. Although I'm not a huge Star Wars nut, I like the movies well enough. I least I did better with Star Wars than I did with the Harry Potter series. I saw Harry Potter in this order: 1, 2, 4, 7 (Part 2), 3... and that's all.

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    1. spaceballs...your setup might be genius!

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    2. How could we have forgotten Space Balls!?!?!?! May the schwartz be with you.

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  6. They should have to watch in the order our generation did: IV, V, VI, I, II, III, because life is hard and full of soul- crushing disappointment, and we would be remiss in our jobs as parents to continue to protect them as opposed to prepare them.

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry I'll make sure the watch that new Indiana Jones movie too.

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    2. And THAT, people, is how history moves ever forward, by punishing our offspring with the same drudgery we had to experience. Just because, dammit.

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  7. I agree - either in order of release or just the first three. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch VI because I hated V so much. I know the time will come when I'll have to re-watch the last three but I'm trying to enjoy life until then.

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    1. So I'm going to go ahead and assume you meant you haven't been able to watch III because II was so bad. Not that you didn't watch Return of the Jedi because you hated Empire Strikes back was so much.

      If not I'm going to need your address too so that those nice gentlemen in white lab coats can come take you to your safe place.

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    2. Yes, sorry, I meant I didn't see the newest older one - the one that was last made but was before the first three. That was pretty brazen of me to try and correctly use Roman numerals.

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  8. Aren't they making more Star Wars movies right now? What will you do then??? You had better hurry and have your kids watch them while there are only 6 to deal with, otherwise you'll have an even bigger dilemma!

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    1. Oh god you're right. Quick! To the DVD player kids!

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    2. And, Christian, I assume your kids have already read The Great Gatsby in anticipation of Baz Luhrrman's new masterpiece, yeah?

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  9. Replies
    1. No Brute, it's "LANDO Calrissian" not "NERDO Calrissian".

      How embarrassing.

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    2. Yep. Totally. Completely. And yet, Brutalism...check out how many chicks have totally commented on this post. Dude...we are gonna' SCORE!

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  10. I think the order is less important than making sure they see the one where JarJar dies.

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    1. Jar Jar dies? In 3D? Because Jabba the Hutt sits on his ass? (Notice the bright joke there...)

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  11. I am laughing with tears streaming down my face. Can't comment like a normal person. Hilarious!

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    Replies
    1. I'm not so sure the people who comment are normal.

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  12. Is this anything like the question we Star Trek fans face about when you should start teaching your kids to speak Klingon?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes that is another tough one. Especially since there are no Klingon language immersion programs in our local school district.

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    2. This seems an opportune time to point out that Christian and I have the good fortune of living in a town with it's very own Klingon metal band--Stovokor. Klingon outfits, lyrics all in Klingon, and threats of disembodiment for the weak humans in the audience at their live shows. The awesomeness FAR outweighs the awkwardness.

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  13. my humble opinion is IV, V, VI, III. I liked the last of the new ones, it's the only one that the characters showed any real emotions. I fell asleep at the midnight screening opening night of the first one because it SUUUUUCKED and the 2nd one is fluff. A couple cool creatures, but the acting is stiffer than the dude's hair in that picture up there...

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    1. I agree. Number III is by far the best of the new ones and probably should be watched for at least historical reasons.

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  14. The only order is IV, VI, VI. The other ones don't exist in my universe. They haunt me sometimes, but I tell them they're just bad dreams. 4,5,6. And now they're making 7,8,9. But I pretend I don't know this.

    'If you watch them in chronological order, by the time Luke is introduced you already know Vader is his father. Lame.' Good point. There's no way Hayden Christensen is Darth Vader. He's trying so hard to look mean. To me it's like he really needs to do number two.

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    1. We should start referring to "having to go number two" as "having to go attack of the clones".

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    2. Good point. Still I think that movie stinks a bit more.

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  15. I have felt a bit like a fledgeling parent lately...the fact that I probably didn't give this decision as much thought as necessary troubles me even more!

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    1. It's alright, Andrea. I accidentally slammed my daughter's head in the car door. We all make mistakes.

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  16. This is exactly why I don't have children. I hate being put in the position of "in my day things were so much better, blah blah blah..." because in truth, not one thing has changed in the human story since caveman days. Except pterodactyls. They were awesome.

    I agree with Pat about the Roman numerals; I too am suffering from the buggy eye.

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    1. Yeah! Didn't Rome fall for a reason?

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    2. The latest Star Wars movies could have really benefited from some pterodactyls. Lucas could have hired you out to do their sounds.

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    3. I am writing him a letter right now. You're a genius! 10,000 points to you today and free pterodactyl sounds for life.

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    4. Free pterodactyl sounds for life?!?!? Careful. You'd be surprised how many pterodactyl sounds I go through in a week.

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  17. That picture made my day. My son is Star Wars obsessed! I haven't looked into his this new movie fits in with it all. It is making my head hurt!

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  18. Don't worry. The important thing is that he's obsessed with Star Wars and in the end that's all that matters.

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  19. In an attempt to add to the confusion, now that Disney is going to make more of them, they should make the next ones -1, -2, and -3.

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  20. I am just relieved, as always, to know that my go-to place for dealing with the hard-hitting parenting issues has once again delivered. And I commend you for taking on something that really matters vs. silly things like potty-training or discipline.

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    1. Potty-training and discipline will take care of themselves. Watching the Star Wars movies in the correct order is crucial to raising an emotionally healthy and stable child.

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  21. I'm with Pickleope on Machete Order- I was planning to show all the movies in Machete Order at my Star Wars Day party this year, but we ran out of time AND the attendees only wanted to watch the original trilogy. I would also argue that, depending on how old the kids are, you need to intersperse the Family Guy parodies in with the showing.

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  22. I took my oldest son to the first Star Wars movie when he was three and he cried when the show ended.

    Of course at that age he always cried whenever he saw me crying.

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