Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dis-Organized Religion

Awhile back our friend MOV from mothersofbrothersblog (be sure to check out her blog!) suggested we do a post on (dis)organized religion. She left this suggestion inside a comment she left on our post about the proper way to spell donuts. Should it be donuts or doughnuts? She suggested calling them “Holey Cakes”, but then said people would argue about whether they should be spelled “Holey Cakes” or “Holy Cakes”. Thus religion.

So MOV here’s our (dis)organized religion post.

To start I would first like to point out that between the two of us Pat is the more scholarly one while I’m more of the science fueled street fighting type. Therefore I will divert a lot of questions and the reciting of historical accounts to him.

Let’s start by first defining what organized religion is and what it isn’t. If a religion is considered not-organized it means they believe in wizards or something, right Pat?

Pat: Sounds good to me. I’m down with wizards.

What are you asking, exactly?

Christian: I’m asking you to define the differences between organized religion and disorganized religion. Duh.

Pat:  Oh. That’s easy. About one hundred years and ten thousand people.

I suppose you could count any religion that uses a professional Franklin Covey™ organizational system to manage its business as “organized” as well.

Is that what you were wondering?

Christian: So are you saying that to qualify as an organized religion you have to have at least ten thousand members and have been around at least one hundred years? This would mean that Scientology isn’t an organized religion. To me those guys seem pretty organized. Too organized if you ask me.


Did a google search for Scientology and found this. Apparently they even
now have their own air force! Scary.

Pat:   Oh, for god’s sake (pun maybe intended...not sure yet)! Three back-and-forths into this post and you’re already trying to get me in deep with the Scientologists? C’mon, man. Do you want a blog-partner, or is this your attempt to finally go solo by having me offed by the underground Hollywood mafia?

I defer to the Germans when it comes to Scientology. Their government does not recognize them as a religion. Or at least they didn’t as of the last time I checked in with the German government. I assume they still don’t, as it’s not very German to change your mind on something within a decade. And I don’t necessarily agree with them (<-- intentionally vague there), but if I’ve learned one thing so far in this life it is that you’re best advised to not mess with official German governmental declarations.


Christian:  Are you suggesting that you might get “offed” by the Scientologists if you bad mouth them? I’m guessing that would definitely make them organized so I guess the question is more are they really a religion?

I did some more research into them and found out that not only do they have their own Air Force but they also have the last army of Samurais.


I can see why you might not want to offend them. But for now let’s put aside your safety and answer me this; what qualifies something as a religion? Is it just the believing in a higher power or does the love I have for a nice carpet qualify as religionous?

Pat:  Do you pray to your carpet? Do you look to your carpet for moral fortitude and guidance? Do you ritualistically cleanse yourself--sage smudge or water bath--before treading on said carpet? Do you read the fibers of your carpet to decipher the history of your carpet and it’s people?

If so, then...heck, sure, sounds like you’ve got a religion. If not, then good...you’re not a freak. Like the Scientologists. Are freaks.

There. I said it. It felt good, but you need to know that if you don’t hear from me again, it’s YOUR fault for pushing me to the point of publicly discrediting and mocking Scientologists. And please send the authorities to look for my family, as Xenu probably took them to another planet in the Galactic Confederacy.

Christian: So scientologists also believe in my carpet? I’m confused. Granted it’s a pretty awesome carpet but I don’t recall Scientologists being into carpets. But to be honest as long as they don’t get any dirt or food on it they can believe in my carpet as much as they want.

OK, let’s put aside Scientology and Carpetology for now and move on.

Pat, can you explain which is better for society as a whole, organized or disorganized religion, and why? Do they both have their pros and cons or is one inherently more beneficial to a diverse society?

Also, if you could keep your answer to three words or less that would be great.

Pat:  Vague at best.

Christian:  Super! So what you are saying is that they both have their place in society whether they believe in carpets or have their own army of last samurais.

Well, this post has been very informative for me. I hope it was for you too dearest cherished readers. Next time we promise to tackle a less serious topic. Assuming Pat is still alive.


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Editor’s Note: Christian here. I just wanted to give a shout out and thanks to Kianwi over at Simply She Goes. She participated in the April A to Z challenge writing about nostalgia and memories from her childhood. She made it into a game/contest allowing people to guess her age based on her posts with one lucky guesser receiving a box full of nostalgic prizes. It was pretty fantastic.  

But guess who guessed right and won? That’s right, this guy. Oh and who has two thumbs too? Wait. I was supposed to say that first. I meant guess who guessed right with two thumbs? This guy.

Still not right.

Anyways, I’ve scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if I’m clairvoyant or something. I’ll keep you posted. Big thanks to Kianwi for the prizes, they are awesome. Both my kids and I love them. And be sure to go check out her blog right over here and tell her Barack Obama sent you. That will sound a lot more impressive than telling her we sent you.

34 comments:

  1. Soooooo did we ever get down to what the definition of organized religion? I kind of got lost in the series of vagaries and Scientology talk. Also, Scientologists don't need an air force or samurais, they have the most terrifying enforcers of all, an army of lawyers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I do not pray to carpets.

    Hardwood floors, though. That's where the real guidance comes.

    Pearl

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  3. If you don't patent that carpet religion, I'm going to. Because as L. Ron Hubbard famously said before creating Scientology, "If you want to make a million dollars, start a religion."

    Come, my children! Come to the Church of Carpetology! Praise be to wool!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A million dollars you say? Then it's official. The Church of Carpetology is now open for business. I mean open for worship.

      Delete
  4. First of all, thank you for taking my idea/ suggestion and doing a whole blog post on it! Does that mean I get royalties now? (Yay, us!)

    Second, I am not a Carpet-ic or Carpet-ist or Carpet-ian or whatever you people call yourself ... I am a Tile-ist. Everyone knows that tile is superior to carpet (except in winter), but I will not hold that against you, since the main theory in the Tile-ist religion is tolerance of lower-grade building materials (I am looking at you, Linoleum). We Tile-ists believe in letting people live and let live and let and live let and lift stuff. If you want to waste all your time vacuuming, well, that is your own dumb fault. I spend my time in a wiser way: I sweep. I sweep all my dust, cat fur, and emotional problems right out the door or at least under the rug. Only takes 5 minutes. How long does vacuuming take, hmm? At least half an hour, am I right?

    Anyway, I applaud you admitting your religion on National Blog, and if you ever decide to convert to being a Tile-ist (no pressure), than I am totally here for you. On the slippery side.

    xxo
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Part of the Carpetology mantra is that we are open to all religions including a tile-ist such as yourself. Well all except Marble-ists. If you believe in marble floors then we don't want anything to do with you.

      Delete
  5. Holy crapballs this is brilliant. I just had my house measured this morning for new carpet. (Was your post perfectly timed or what? I mean, seriously. I await word of your clairvoyance tests, but it's already clear to me that you are.)

    I feel very inclined to want to participate in this new carpet religion, for I understand you get tax breaks for religious stuff. So, heretofore, I shall be a carpetic or carpetist or carpetarian, and I should be able to get my carpet installed tax free, and then turn my house into a carpet temple and not have to pay property taxes! Best. Idea. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to the Church of Carepetology. Yes you will save a ton from the tax breaks. However that will be quickly wiped out from our monthly membership fees. Carpets don't pay for themselves you know.

      Delete
  6. I'm pretty sure I saw my vase in the shape of ALF crying the other day and was thinking about starting my own religion around it but not if it takes a hundred years. I'm not that patient even though I'm sure science will progress to the point I will live that long.

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    Replies
    1. There definitely should be more Alf based religions in the world.

      Delete
  7. Ye Carpetologists, ye Tileists, yea verily even thee lowly Hard-Woodians - It is verboten for thee of organized religiosity to sweep, nay even to vacuum by hand! This is an anathema to worship of the tread-worthy and shall be condemned! iRobot Roomba shall be the preferred blessed cleaning method for all people of organization. And we shall jubilantly dance the spasmodic, synchronous rhythmic dance of our people, popping and locking to Mr. Roboto. And verily the Scientologists shall not smite thee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've copied and pasted your comment into a word doc and labeled it "Bible". We are now definitely ready to launch the Church of Carpetology.

      Delete
  8. Back when I was drinking, I used to spend a lot of mornings praying to the porcelain God. Now that I'm sober and have an disorganized higher power, the only time I take a header into the toilet is when I get the flu. I was a lot more disorganized when my religion was organized.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I was a lot more disorganized when my religion was organized."

      We'll put this on our Church of Carpetology bumper stickers.

      Delete
  9. I'm a Pagan, and we're about as disorganised as you get :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pagans are, of course, very welcome into the Church of Carpetology. Assuming you have a valid credit card.

      Delete
  10. I don't believe in floors of any kind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There will be some young people showing up to your door pretty soon to give you some Church of Carpetlogy pamphlets. Please read them. It's not too late to be saved.

      Delete
  11. I'm kinda interested in this church of yours but I like rituals. You know, something to do instead of just sitting there. And I wanna tell ya, if you serve wine, you need bigger glasses than the last place I visited. Also, can people bring their cats? Mine is always looking for a little action if you know what I mean. I've heard these places are great for finding a mate, uh make that a date. I'm thinking me and my cat might both get fixed up. Oops I promised to never say fixed around Leo...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cats of all kinds are welcomed at the Church of Carpetology. We don't discriminate against any cats. No dogs allowed though.

      Delete
  12. whenever I get to the end of your post, I want to comment-- but I find I have no words. I'm either laughing, snorting, or banging my head on the computer table. Maybe just once...one day-- I'd like to have your brain.

    But I'd probably need 20 years of therapy after, so you'd need to give me some money too...with your brain.

    Oh wait-- that'd make you a Jehovah's Witness wouldn't it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This reminds me of a story, actually a story of a story but I need to get on with this. When first married, my bride and I had very little money. Steve, a chunky Jewish acquaintance at the local community college, offered to let us stay at his apartment. It
      was not wonderful. Steve ate all the food we brought in. So we bought some ham. He ate that too!

      Anyway, Marsha (bride) told this to me one day after I got back from class. A Jehovah's Witness (see I am getting around to relating this to your comment), had come to the door asking for money. Marsha told the Witness to wait for a minute, she would check the beer jar and see if there was any money in it. When she came back to the door the Witness was gone. We
      speculated why the Witness left but came to no solid conclusion. I didn't ask Marsha why she was going to give the Witness money but I assume there was a sad story and you know most of us are a sucker for a sad story - hmm I wonder if Marsha remembers what the story was. Let's see, that was about 40 years ago. I'll ask next time I see her.

      Now to your question...
      Yeah, if I gave you my brain it would likely make me a Jehovah's Witness or at least point me in that direction. But about the money, I dunno - I think they are all about getting it, not giving it away.

      Delete
    2. @Julie - If find yourself with nothing to say just leave a comment saying something like

      "Thank you for the blog post. My check is in the mail."

      Maybe it will make everyone else think they should be sending us money and then hopefully someone will.

      @David - They probably left because they already had their beer money.

      Delete
    3. Hoping for check?
      You could always try a sad story but please don't.

      Delete
  13. Very thought-provoking and non-nonsensical post. I never pray to my carpet but I do blame it for getting dirty on me so I get religious by wishing for it to go to hell.

    Tom used to be such a cool guy in the eighties. Ask Nicole Kid(ding her then short)man.

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    Replies
    1. I'm assuming (and hoping) that "getting dirty on me" just means it gets dirt on you. If not, you need to start praying.

      Delete
  14. If only all people trying to describe their religion/other peoples' religion could keep it to three words or less. I would be much more likely to pay attention to the end of their spiel.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow. Julie DeNeen has been insisting that I check out your blog for some time. But, like veggies, I've been avoiding you. Now, I see, that with a little cheese sauce (real cheese on the veggies and a little Tom Cruise on your blog), I can easily eat my veggies. And actually like it!

    Yep. She was right. You guys are awesome. Now I see why she has a 'blog-crush' on ya! Ooops, I don't think I was supposed to share that part. And thank you SOOOO much for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Those are the kindest words anyone has ever said to us while comparing us to vegetables.

      Thanks for hosting the blog hop too!

      Delete
  16. I'm not only behind in blog writing, I'm behind in blog reading, too!

    First, I had a hard time finishing your post, because I got stuck on the 'oh no you di'in't' and couldn't stop giggling. But I think Franklin Planners are very useful tools. That's what we were talking about, right?

    And I am sooo happy that you liked the prize, and especially happy that your kids enjoyed it :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey found this with one eye half open and you made me snarf my coffee. It's early. This was funny. Thanks for the laugh, but you owe me a new key board, Missy.

    I am one who marched and protested against the $cilons. You couldn't know the HALF of the evil $hit they do. Been chased, filmed, threatened, and even got followed to my kid's school. Two days in a row, I got road kill dumped on my lawn and nasty letters form nasty lawyers. NOT KIDDING.

    Nobody from Carpetology EVER did those things to me, and I am certain my Church, The Church of the Blessed Sammich would probably welcome Carpetologists with open arms and a big Mai Tai.

    ReplyDelete