Thursday, December 19, 2013

Gift Wrapping Passion

I think we can all agree that wrapping presents is as manly of a skill as chopping wood, fixing cars, and bench pressing chainsaws. And I assume you are like me, Pat, in that you do all the gift wrapping in your household since - again I’m assuming - that you wear the pants in your family.

But while I still take pride in a well wrapped gift resulting in only a minimal amount of fire damage to my immediate surroundings, I find myself growing tired of it. More and more I look to just stuff the well chosen gift item into a gift bag and call it good as opposed to the painstaking process of cutting, folding, and taping shiny-fancy paper all over it.

Thoughtful.

Am I losing the Christmas spirit? I’m still just as manly as I have always been. Maybe even too manly. So I don’t know what’s going on. How do you feel about gift wrapping Pat?

Pat: Oh, I definitely prefer thoughtful gift-wrapping over nameless, faceless gift bagging. But you know me, man...I like to keep it pretty simple:


Christian: But how do you keep your gift wrapping fire and passion still burning after all these years?

Pat: Don’t you think that’s a little personal, buddy? My fiery passion is gift wrapped just fine, thank you very much. Do you call yours a fiery passion too?

Christian: I call mine sherbert.

Wait, we’re talking about ice cream flavors right? Yeah, either sherbert or stiff banana cream with sensual nuts.

But the question I was asking was; how have you not gotten burnt out on wrapping presents year after year?

Pat: Well, it’s not like I’m doing it full-time, all year long. Man...you must give a lot of gifts!

And, really? “Stiff banana cream with sensual nuts?” SO cliché!

“Sherbert”, though...I want to talk about that. It’s a little known fact that we often mis-speak and mis-spell the delightful frozen concoction by placing an extra ‘r’ in it. Well, I know how much you love grammatical corrections, dear friend, so let me kindly remind you that the proper spelling and pronunciation of the frozen-dessert-similar-to-sorbet-but-containing-a-trace-of-milkfat is, in fact, “sherBET”. Sounds and looks funny, I know, but there you have it. It’s like “FebRuary” and “WedNESday” and “cliTORis”. You know, words that just sound and look funny.

Christian: Then why isn’t the spell checking lord flagging sherbert? These are hard facts you can’t deny Pat. Explain.

Pat: Well...some lords are naturally better than others. But I’d rather not pursue that line of reasoning. I’ve made it 41 years without a decree of fatwa of infidelity, and I would like to continue that trend.  

Just spell it correctly, okay, and no gods have to enter into the scenario.

Christian: Fine we can go with Sherbet. Just like expet and pervet. And Bet and Ernie. But back to the topic on hand. How should I go about recapturing my zest for quality gift wrapping? Narcotics?

Pat:   Hmm...ever tried double-sided tape? That can spice up your gift wrapping a bit! Makes it look like you did it all with no tape at all! Man, your recipients will be SO impressed!

Christian: Double-sided tape!?!?!? Why don’t you just suggest I use performing enhancing drugs too while you’re at it. I’m not sure gift wrapping is an Olympic event or not - or whether it is in the Winter or Summer games although I see it more as a Winter one since it something you typically do indoors, so that just makes more sense - but I’m sure double-sided tape is a banned substance in regulated competitions. Cheaters are egg eaters, Pat.

Are you saying you use double-sided tape when wrapping gifts? Even the ones you give to your family?

Pat:  God no! I can never figure out how to get it off my fingers, and then I end up going through an entire roll by simply trying to bind two folds of paper together. Kinda’ don’t know why they even make the stuff.  

I was just trying to help.

You know, my wife, before she was my wife, used to work at a stationery store where she was often called upon to wrap customers’ purchases. Know what she said?

Christian: That’s what she said?

Pat: I’ll tell you.

She said it is entirely possible to wrap a gift without using a single piece of tape at all.  Wrap your head around THAT one! Ooh...I got a pun in there too.

Christian: If you’re just going to start making stuff up then we should just end this conversation right now. Wrapping a gift without using any tape? That’s just spitting in science’s face.


***********************************************************

Hello readers! Remember last week when we tried to determine the best Christmas song of all time and I suggested “A Holly Jolly Christmas” and Pat got disqualified by my cats so we asked you to give us your votes? The results are in and it looks like the top vote getter was “Fairytale of New York”  by The Pogues.

While I agree this is a great Christmas song it does seem to be lacking in that it's not “A Holly Jolly Christmas”. But you guys have made the decision therefore it is official. “Fairytale of New York” is the best Christmas song of all time.

Happy Holidays everyone!

31 comments:

  1. I call bullpoopy. Christmas in Hollis is the best Christmas song, and the fact that it didn't win is due to pure racism.
    There's no way you can wrap without tape. I defy that postulation.
    And what are you talking about, it's "sherbet" not "sherbert"? Everything I know is wrong. Up is down. Black is white, The Pogues have a Christmas song. Everything is topsy turvy.
    I'm just going to stick with boxes and bows for wrapping. Artisinal wrapping is for Portlanders.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you implying it's a Portland thing? I'll have you know we only have three gift wrapping whiskey bar food carts now so I don't think so.

      Delete
  2. I don't believe that it's possible to wrap a present without tape at all. Not unless you just drape some paper over the gift and call it wrapping. Or perhaps you could use Blu Tak rather than tape. Or glue. Or staples. In fact, I've changed my mind, it is possible after all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Women can wrap presents in their sleep as easily as they can tie stuff in a knot behind their back...defer to them, don't mess with nature.

    Silent Night is the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to place a bunch of unwrapped gifts on my wife after she falls asleep tonight to see if this is true.My fingers are crossed.

      Delete
  4. I used to be the official gift wrapper person, back when I gave enough of a damn to give people gifts, that is. Purely out of curiosity, I'm going to try the whole wrapping without tape thing. Not an actual gift, though. Just an empty box. [REFER TO OPENING SENTENCE]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah but empty box or not if it's successfully wrapped without any tape I say that's an impressive gift.

      Delete
  5. It's th litle tings in lif tha mater. But I stil didn't go to exta trubl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you OK? Wait, are you speaking in code? Are you in trouble? You're being held hostage aren't you? If yes leave a comment missing only 'y's. If not leave a comment missing only 'n's. WE"LL SAVE YOU DAVID! JUST HOLD TIGHT!!!

      Delete
  6. I had to bring a gift to a friend's wedding a few weeks back. She said that she could pick my gift out from the whole pile from 20 feet away. My wrapping job was THAT distinctive!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You can use torn up stickers and post-it notes to wrap presents, too! Screw you, science!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't wrap gifts! It is either a gift bag, ordered already wrapped or I "make" it look artsy by putting a lot of bows on it or 1 really big bow that normally helps.

    But yes, just order them already wrapped.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm... already wrapped you say? I am interested in your philosophies and will be subscribing to your news letter.

      Delete
  9. I wrap using the funnies section of the newspaper.

    Yes. I still get the newspaper.

    So there! Gifts and inky paws for everyone!

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  10. Um...so...I kind or just let my husband do most of the wrapping around here. He's REALLY good at it. Seriously, he should teach a class. The only gifts I ever wrap on a regular basis are the ones I'm giving to my husband. Because, you know, no peeking!

    Oh, and I've never heard of the "Greatest Christmas Song of all Time." Does that mean I'm not allowed to celebrate Christmas anymore?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do most of the wrapping in our house too. Although I do leave any fancy bow tying to my wife. I'm willing to tape a bow to it but I draw the line at tying anything.

      Delete
  11. I can wrap a gift without using one piece of tape. I need to use at least 20, and when I do, it looks just like that first photo. I figure, it's best to not give gifts at all. Take 'em for some sherbet (really? No 'r'? That feels so wrong.) instead; everyone's happy.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this year I am going to forgo the wrapping paper and only use tape.

      Delete
  12. I had to gift wrap something this year shaped like an enormous crystal (it was a bubble bath container) and that really tested me. But 45 minutes and six metres of wrapping later, I managed it! I was so proud of myself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is it bad that I purposely only pick out gifts for people that are easy to wrap?

      Delete
    2. That's brilliant! Ooh, go for the Hello Kitty duct tape.

      Delete
  13. And to think, I've been pronouncing my weekly Wednesday Clitoris-flavored Sherbet all wrong this whole time. I need to go to the lie-berry and check out some books to take my mind off of this distressing issue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just checked and clitoris-flavored sherbet is not one of Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors. Must be a Ben & Jerry's thing.

      Delete
  14. High school friends blogging together....our idea wasn't original, I guess. I'm enjoying your pieces. You're welcome at our place, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were also the first to come up with the idea of actually having friends while in high school. Thanks for stopping by. :)

      Delete
  15. Oh God I've missed reading you guys. I got out of my blog reading habit over the holidays, but I'm back. And this post is EPIC. First of all, I'm a master gift wrapper and can do it without tape :) - lest you think that means I've got some magical Shebet up my sleeve, I do not. LOL

    ReplyDelete