Thursday, December 5, 2013

Revisiting Christian's Issues

Way back in May and June of 2011, Christian and I discussed two specific activities taken up by many an aging man in our hometown of Portland, Oregon--lawn-mowing and running. In those posts, I tried to convince Christian of the merits and benefits of each activity, firmly believing myself that each one makes me a more righteous, ethical, handsome and charismatic person. I couldn’t convince him. Also, while he once ranted against some of our town’s bicycle riders, he has now become one himself. Rather than call him a hypocrite, I thought it might be nice to see if, in the over two years since those first discussions, he’s changed his perspective at all.

Pat:  Well, Christian? What do you say. Have you had some time to break out those shoes and hit the pavement or trail? Or...have you reconsidered the joy inherent in a nicely mowed lawn? And tell me about your experiences on the bike. Please.

Anything you want to say that might indicate that I was right would be fine.

Christian: You couldn’t be more wrong. First off I’m not a hypocrite with regards to the bike thing. In that post, as you’ll recall, I talked about how I hate all bicyclists. Even though I have now become one, I still hate them all. So no waffling there.

As for running and lawn mowing, I still greatly dislike both but feel they are a necessary evil. Running because its important to exercise and lawn mowing because I’m tired of bringing my neighbor’s property values down. I did try to combine the two, to kill two birds with one stone, but it turns out I hate running while mowing the lawn even more.

And I still haven't experienced runner’s high. Although I did once have the entire left side of my body go numb, I then smelled sulfur and saw a bunch of dead relatives of mine trying to usher me towards a bright light. Is that runner’s high?

Pat: No, not really. At least not any high I’ve experienced.

(psst! By the way...I might have tried running in a state some might refer to as “high” one time. Not advisable.)

So it sounds like you have fully embraced the health-focused, landscaping lifestyle! I’m proud of you, Christian. Really. It takes a lot to change our patterns and lifestyles, and it sounds like you have made a truly mediocre and half-hearted attempt to embrace some new practices.

What do you have in mind for the next steps of your paradigm shift, buddy?

Christian: Nothing. That’s all there is.

Oh... I guess I did recently turn to a lifestyle of extreme religion and became a devout born-again snake handler. But other than that, nothing else.

Pat: Well, that’s a start. Are any of the snakes fast? Can you run away from them as a form of exercise?

Oh! Or can you sprinkle them across your lawn as a way to make mowing just a little bit more fun? If you see them as pets, then I’m really sorry. That last bit was maybe a little morbid. If not though...chunk ‘em up!

Christian: Well since I’m still relatively new to my Snake Church they haven’t let me handle any real snakes yet. Mostly just ropes and hoses right now. Although I have been bitten several times. Not by snakes.

One thing I have learned though is that you aren’t supposed to run from the snakes. Or hoses in my case. They are to be handled. Repeatedly. Lots and lots of handling. I think the idea is that if you can handle snakes you can beat the devil. Or something like that.

They speak a lot in tongues so I still don’t fully understand everything. I’ve had a hard time finding a translation app for my phone that does tongues to English so until then it will probably be slow going for me. Looking forward to that first real snake handling though.

Pat: The snakes speak? That’s weird. Or...wait. Do they do something with their tongues? Wait. Did you mean the snakes or the people. WHO THE HELL IS SPEAKING?!!?

Christian: Jesus Pat, the people are speaking in tongues not the snakes. We don’t talk to snakes. We just hold them deathly close to our major arteries as a way of showing Jesus we love him and that we are ready to fight cloven hooved demons for him. We’re not idiots.  

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go practice sucking poison out of puncture wounds.

20 comments:

  1. Why snake handling? Why not fluffy puppy handling church? I'd join that one. I'll even speak in tongues (doesn't everyone speak using their tongue?).
    Aren't all bicyclists self-loathing, hence the spandex?

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    1. Lots of questions here. You seem kind of lost. Maybe you should come to one of our snake handling meetings. We can give you a lot of guidance on how to live your life and free yourself from all these unnecessary burdens. With snakes.

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  2. Seems like a huge waste of time to run and get into great physical shape if you're just going to wind up getting bitten by a deadly snake (or rope) anyway.

    Worse yet, when the coroner gets there, your fellow believers will explain, "We were telling him to watch out - I think it might have been in ancient Sumerian - but he didn't listen!"

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    1. I've been told that if you are in great shape, dying from a poisonous snake won't hurt as much.

      At least I think that's what they said. Again, the speaking in tongues issue.

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  3. I could make a smutty joke about handling your snake, but I'll refrain because I am well brought up and a lady. Well one of those things. I'm female anyway, let's leave it there. I also have never experienced runner's high unless you count being delighted it's over as a "high". I do it, I sweat, I feel smug that I did it and I feel nice and clean after I shower but high? Eff no. Pffft.

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    1. Yeah I'm starting to think this runner's high thing is just an urban myth like alligators living in the sewers or Sasquatch.

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  4. The only snakes I've seen while running are harmless garden snakes. Or at least I think they're harmless. I'll handle one aggressively next time I run and let you know.

    Also, I think the golden rule of bicyclists is that you must hate other bicyclists, while being a cyclist yourself. Count me in that pool.

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    1. In my snake handling classes they always say to never handle the snake aggressively. You're also never supposed to bite them back.

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  5. I've never handled snakes for religious purposes, but I have been to a faith healer. She didn't like me. I might have been because I was handling my boyfriend's "snake" in the pew. I was just trying to get closer to god!

    As for running, I agree with Christian-it's pretty terrible. I'd rather ride my bike while yelling obscenities at other, more wrong, bicyclists.

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    1. That was very nice of you to handle your boyfriend's snake for him. Those things can be dangerous when they are exposed out in the open in a public area.

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  6. I hate mowing my lawn. In fact, it's the leading reason why I would like to get married. Lawn mowing and someone to take my car for oil changes. Husbands do that, don't they?

    As a life long runner, I have never experienced this runner's high. I've felt exhausted, I've felt happy I finished, I've even felt superior to lazy, non-runners, but high as in a feeling of ecstasy? I do not believe it exists.

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    1. I'll admit I'm a little bummed there might not be any high feelings but these feelings of superiority you talk of might make up for it.

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  7. I thought the snake-handling church was a euphemism. I'm right, aren't I?

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    1. If you mean a euphemism for having the lord's love all over you from handling snakes then yes.

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  8. You guys have it all wrong. As anybody knows, the most effective and manly way to keep the neighbors happy is to get a cyclist snake to mow the lawn for you. Cobras work best.

    xoRobyn

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  9. Man, I just had a couple of those born again snake handlers come knocking at my door the other day! They gave me a few pamphlets, and showed me their snake handling skills. One of them is still in the ICU with massive bite wounds, but I'm told he should make about an 80% recovery in a few weeks. Amateur! He really should not have licked that rattler's rattle...

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    1. He was a total amateur. Rule number one is don't lick the snakes. Two is don't kiss them. And oddly number three is don't feed them anything gluten free.

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  10. Christian, I think you need to get a hobby. Maybe something nice and normal like knitting or stamp-collecting? Those things just scream "Christian" to me.

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    1. Meredith, I think you are confusing knitting and stamp-collecting with fixing industrial sized appliances and bear fighting.

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